


Looking For Space

by Visionsofdazzlingrooms



Series: I’m Still Standing [3]
Category: blue bloods
Genre: Danny and Linda, Danny needs help, F/M, Linda’s the best wife, Poor Danny, Pre Jack and Sean, Read at Your Own Risk, Sorry guys, Suicidal Thoughts, angst with happy ending, but Frank’s a huge ass in this, but he gets better!, but not Mary or Jamie, lindanny, psychologist, reagan family are kinda asses in this, so like October 1999, suicidal talks, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:54:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 29,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26916949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visionsofdazzlingrooms/pseuds/Visionsofdazzlingrooms
Summary: “ All alone in the universe, sometimes that's how it seems. I get lost in the sadness and the screams” ~~John Denver, Looking For SpaceWhen Danny Reagan hits an all time low in his life, will his family be able to help and support him? Will he be able to know and understand? Or will he be forced to go back to Plan A?
Relationships: Danny Reagan/Linda Reagan, Frank Reagan/Mary Reagan
Series: I’m Still Standing [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2166816
Comments: 81
Kudos: 17





	1. You Have To Go On Living

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION: IF YOU’VE HAD SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE READ CAREFULLY!!
> 
> Also, as I’ve stated before, I never intend to offend ANYONE, so my sincerest apologies to those who are offended by this. This is just me exploring topics I don’t usually write about, so please give me wiggle room.

Danny stares at the small white bottle in his hand. He stares and stares and stares at it, thinking, contemplating, wondering.

*How many are lethal? Liver damage can kill you, right? Maybe I should just drink my way to death instead. Do I want pain?*

He shakes his head hard, banishing those thoughts. He can't think like that, he just can't. But he does, every day he is thinking about it. Every day he has it planned, but every day his wife smiles at him, and kisses him, and makes him feel alright. So every day he doesn’t go through with his plans.

He puts the pill bottle away, after deciding he can live if someone finds him quick enough. No, he needs a fool proof plan. A quick, easy, dead-set plan that has no loop holes, no leaks, no see-footnote-ones.

He turns his head when he hears a car door slam; Linda must be home. She will make him feel good again, but only for a while. He decides he needs to do it when she isn't around to stop him.

***********

*I could jump off a bridge*, Danny thinks that night as he lays in bed awake. *No, someone would call the police.. I could hang myself- but how? I could get some rope and-*

His train of thought is interrupted by the warm touch of his wife's skin against his. Her head rests on his chest, listening to his heart beat. Her hand rests on his shoulder and she sighs contently.

He closes his eyes and heaves a sigh. Why is Linda making a simple, no-questions-asked plan so difficult? He has thought about her a lot, about how she'd feel if he really did off himself. He comes to the conclusion she'd be better off without him- who'd want to be married to a suicidal maniac anyways?

He doesn’t sleep that night, but vows he’ll cross over to the other world tomorrow.

************** 

He kisses Linda goodbye the next morning, wishing she'd get out of the house so he can go through with the plan.

"Are you sure you're fine here?" She gets into the car, "I know you have been the last few days, but-"

"Linda, I'm fine. Go to work."

She frowns at his annoyed tone, but hesitantly agrees. "Okay.... call me if you need anything."

"I will." He kisses her like he’ll never see her again. It’s long, hard, and desperate. He runs his tongue over hers, tasting the coffee and Cinnamon Toast Crunch she ate for breakfast. He kisses her so that she doesn't know who's air she is breathing; He kisses her till both their breaths become shallow.

Linda's eyes are somewhere between surprise, worry, confusion, and want. Her lips are plump from the searing kiss, "Danny, are you s-"

"See you later." He walks into the house, leaving a very confused and worried Linda to drive to the hospital.

Danny has it all figured out- he’s going to shoot himself in the head. Maybe in the heart, that could possibly be quicker. He grabs his off-duty gun from the lock box in the closet, and puts it on the coffee table. He walks into the kitchen and opens a drawer, pulling out a pad.

He sits down at the coffee table, sighing, thinking about what to write.

‘Linda,  
I love you, baby, so much. You're every thing I could've asked for and more. Which is why I'm going to tell you this...... I don't see the point to this anymore. Why should I have to live when I don't feel like it? When all I see is darkness and death, what's the point? So I'm just going to stop it all before it gets worse.   
I love you with all I am, to the moon and back, and all those other sappy romantic things you love to hear.‘

Ten minutes pass since he wrote the note. Fifteen minutes go by, then twenty, then an hour. By the time the hour goes by, he is in tears, and he hates it. *Why can't I do it? Why do I deep down want to live when I don't even see a point?*

With the gun in his hand, Danny walks to the kitchen where his phone is sitting on the counter. He dials the number he know by heart, the number he can say in his sleep. Her voice, that sweet heavenly voice, filters through the phone.

"Hi, babe."

He doesn’t say anything.

"Danny?" Silence. "Danny, are you okay?" More silence. "Danny? Honey? What's wrong? Should I come home?"

"Come," his voice is tight with raw emotion, tears coming fast. "Please. I ne- come. Please. I need you." He doesn’t care if he’s begging at this point.

"I'm coming. Stay right there."

***********

Linda walks through the front door, not knowing what to expect. She stops dead in her tracks when she sees the gun in his hand.

Danny sees her eyes shift from worry and confusing to pure white fear. He hangs his head, the tears have finally subsided, but now he feels like he wants to throw up.

“Danny,” Linda walks slowly to him, standing about an arm’s length away. “Give me the gun.” She holds out her hand and is surprised to see him give it up so quickly.

He watches her put it away, then kneel down next to him. Her hands are warm on his knees.

“Danny, what-“

She never finishes her question, because he pulls her into a kiss. A kiss that is a desperate cry for help. She lets him do what he wants at this point, which is why she found herself being almost frantically stripped of her uniform.

Somewhere in Danny’s brain, the signals are crossing and messing up. He needs to feel his wife suddenly, as if to see if she really will be his life line. They’re screwing each other up the stairs, bumping heads and elbows on walls and banisters. But it doesn’t matter; Danny needs this, and Linda will give it to him.

************

When Danny opens his eyes, it’s well past lunch time. How long has he been sleeping? Better question, how long did he make love to his wife? He looks over to her, and smiles for the first time in a while. Gosh, he loves her more than words can say. He frowns just then, seeing all the possessive, angry marks he left. His fingers trail them, making her smile.

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“Let’s not worry about me,” Linda rolls closer to him, hugging him tightly. “They’ll be gone in a few days. Let’s worry about you. And if you say ‘Linda, I’m fine’, I’ll kill you myself.”

“I’m not fine,” he finally admits. “I’m really not fine.”

“So what’re you going to do about it?” She kisses his chest, silently encouraging him.

“I need help.”

“That’s the first step- always admitting you need help. I unfortunately can’t give you the help you need.”

“I know,” he rubs her arm lazily, glad she hasn’t yelled at him for being so stupid.

“Good. Tomorrow, I’ll call off work, and you and I will figure this out.”

“So.... you’re not upset?”

“Of course I’m upset. But you don’t need me yelling and screaming lectures and rants at you. You need calm. And we’re going to discuss it like calm, rational, civilized adults. But only after one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Give me a bath.”


	2. This Next Step, This Next Breath

Danny watches Linda braid her hair after their shared bath. She’s flushed from the hot water and steam in the room, and her eyes have a far away look to them, as if she’s trapped in her thoughts.

He’s the one who’s trapped, though, trapped with these awful feelings and awful thoughts. He actually hates himself and can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if he hadn’t chickened out. All he feels is the weight of the gun in his hand, the cool metal against his clammy skin. He tries focusing on Linda. Linda, his light, his anchor, his life.

“Are you going to talk about it?” Linda wonders as she ties off the second Dutch braid.

“No.”

“Danny,” she turns around and grasps his hands in hers. “We need to talk about this.”

He knows she’s right, but he doesn’t really want to talk to her about it. He just wishes it never happened and that she’d forget about it. He peels himself from the edge of the tub and walks to the bedroom.

“Fine,” Linda’s annoyed voice comes from the bathroom. She stands in the doorway, “fine, fine. You don’t want to talk about how you almost killed yourself today, then fine. Let it- let it all bubble up again. Let fester inside you and consume you. Then what? You’ll be worse off and in a coffin. Do you really want that?”

“I thought you said you wouldn’t lecture.” It is a lame response and Danny knows it. He just wants to close his eyes and sleep and forget.

“This isn’t a lecture.” Her voice is calmer now. “This is righteous anger and concern.” She sits next to him on the bed. “When did you plan on telling me?”

“I-“ he bows his head. Any excuse he could make would be a flimsy lie. “I wasn't going to tell you.”

“You know that’s is violation of our agreement. When we were still engaged, we made a promise to tell each other if something big, or even little, was bothering us.”

“I know. I remember.”

“So what? You just decided to lie to me?”

Danny almost looks offended as he finally turns his head towards her. “No! No, of course not.”

“But you did lie.”

“I didn’t lie, Linda. I just... didn’t tell you.”

“Just not telling me is when you break an I ugly as hell antique vase and hide the evidence. No, this- this is definitely lying. This is something big. Super big.”

Danny watches her push herself up to the pillows and relax against them.

“I have all night. Start talking.”

He closes his eyes and looks down again. He’s silent for a long time. He feels Linda moving behind him and relaxes into her embrace. Her lips are soft and warm against his cheek.

“I’m not going to berate you, or degrade you, or anything like that.” She shifts again, beckoning him to follow. “C’mere, come, come.” She pats the spot beside her at the top of the bed.

Danny feels a little calmer when she laces her fingers through his.

“I’m going to sit here, and I’m going to listen. I’m not going to call you stupid or idiotic or anything like that. I wouldn’t do that in the first place, but you need support, not ridicule. So start talking when you’re ready.”

It’s already so hard to voice his thoughts, or to even have to dwell on this this long, but he has to do it. Danny’s silent, running a thumb over Linda’s hand, thinking about what to say. His lips tick into the tiniest smile when her head falls to his shoulder. He swallows and pushes the words out.

“Some days, I’m fine. And others... others I’m not. It’s getting worse, the- the noise is too loud... I don’t know how to stop it other than...”

“You need help, Danny. Help I can’t really give you... you should talk to Brie.”

“Brie’s a nutcase.”

Linda laughs, “she’s a *psychologist* who loves life. There’s a difference between a nutcase and a peppy person who enjoys life.” She lifts her head, causing him to turn to her. “Tell you what. Just try talking to Brie. If it doesn’t work, then we’ll try something else. Just... suicide is never the answer.”

“It feels like the only solution.”

“It’s not. Let’s just... let’s spend the rest of the day together. When you want to talk, I’ll be ready. But you’re going to see Brie tomorrow.”

He knows he doesn’t have a choice; even if Linda’s best friend wasn’t a psychologist, he knows he wouldn’t have a choice- she’d make him talk to one, regardless of their relationship with the doctor.

**********

“Linda? Oh my gosh, hi!” Dr. Brie Riley hugs her friend tightly. “I didnt expect to see you in the office. What’s up? You okay?”

Danny watches Brie rub his wife’s arm, feeling very out of place in the chic office.

“I’m fine, but Danny isn’t.”

“Oh, what’s wrong?” She turns to Danny. She doesn’t know him as well as she knows Linda, but she knows him well enough to call him a friend.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing is spilt milk. Those eyes say a world of something is definitely up.”

“Brie, I know we Kinda landed on you, but Danny needs help. I’m not an expert in this, so I can’t really help.” Linda unnecessarily explains. “He tried to shoot himself yesterday.”

Her fingers tracing his hair line does feel calming, so he starts relaxing a little bit.

“Oh no.” Brie frowns, “what’s wrong?”

“It’s not a-“ Danny stops himself from finishing the sentence. “It’s a big deal. I thought it might— what’re you doing?”

“Well, I have to write this down so I can later refer back to it, and see the progress that you’ve made.” She smiles widely, tapping the notepad.

Danny whispers to Linda though his teeth, “Linda, she’s a nut job.”

“I know you think I’m wacko, but that doesn’t change the fact you’re in deep. Did you go immediately for the gun, or did you think of other things?”

“Other things.” He sighs, realizing he can’t win.

“Pills, I’m guessing. Accidental overdose that’s just enough to kill you, leaving a small window for revival?”

Danny nods, surprised she knew that without him telling her.

“These thoughts- these suicidal thoughts, they’re coming from your tour in Fallujah, yes?”

He nods again, wondering if she really is that good, or if she and Linda gossip and talk about their lives over pasta lunches on Wednesdays.

“How often have these thoughts been occurring?”

“Often now.”

“Meaning they- it was a slow burn kinda thing. An occasional ‘huh, wonder if this’ll kill me’ evolved into ‘how much will kill me’?”

“How... how do you know this?”

Brie reaches over her head to take a picture off her book shelf. She hands it to Danny. “That’s me, Linda, and Sandy.”

Linda sighs quietly, giving her friend a sympathetic look.

“Sandy was my guy. He tried to pick up Linda, who immediately shot him down. See, Linda’s a matchmaker, so she told him about me. Sandy and I hit it off right away, and we eloped shortly after you two married. In ‘97, Sandy did one tour with the army. He came back wrong, broken. I tried to help him, but I was too late.” Brie paused for a second, swallowing the tears. “He called me in the spring of ‘99, told me all these feelings and thoughts he had been having. I had just gotten my masters, when all this happened.”

Linda sees her friend start to falter, so she steps in. “Danny, Sandy short himself like you were going to do. Only he called her to say goodbye.... Brie heard him kill himself.”

Danny looks almost horrified, “oh my gosh, are you okay?”

Brie nods, wiping the few tears that slipped from her eyes. “Whenever I get someone in here like you, I tell them that story. I don’t know about war or anything like that, but hearing Sandy- I have trauma from that. I wanna help you, Danny, so that you don’t end up like Sandy. So Linda doesn’t end up like me.”

“I wanna be helped, I do. I’m just... not good at feelings.”

“Not according to Linda,” Brie cast her friend a sly look as the protests came.

“Brie!” Linda hisses with fake anger.

“Lookit, I can help you. I can help you talk through the shit going on in your head, and I can also help you, Linda. Be more patient and slower to tears.”

Linda tilts her head in agreement, surrendering to the accusations of her quickness to cry.

“Does that sound like a plan?”

Danny nods, slowly feeling a little better. He still thinks Brie’s a nut job, but she’s a nice nut job who seems to know what she’s doing.

“Oh, and, Danny. If you ever need to talk outside of the sessions- like you’re just having a bad day and need a fifteen minute pep talk- you can call me.” Brie smiles warmly at him.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. I do, unfortunately, have another patient coming in, but I can schedule you for a full session tomorrow?”

“That sounds fine.” He nods as she shakes his hand.

“Thank you so much, Brie!” Linda hugs her friend.

“Anything for my best friend’s husband!”


	3. I Will Stand By You

"Danny, you're not insane." Linda tries to reason with him for about the sixteenth time Sunday morning a week later. Before she can continue, he interrupts her. 

"I *have* to be insane. Why else would I need a shrink? Why else would I cry at night for no damn reason?"

Linda can tell he is getting angry, so she tries soothing him. "You're not going to a *shrink*, you're going to a *doctor*."

"A *head* doctor."

"Danny," she sounds frustrated, like she’s about to yell at him. "You're going to someone who can help you calm down your thoughts, and give you a... a method for turning those bad thoughts around. And as for the crying," she sighs, putting her hand on his a top the table. "You're still scared. Brie says this is a delayed reaction, because you didn't get to process it when you came home a few years ago. Which is true, because," she smirked, remembering how two years in their lives were so busy. "You immediately applied for the academy, then Betty passed away, you became an officer. And let's not forget that whole shebang people call a wedding."

Danny smiles softly at his wife. She always knows how to make things better for him. 

"And, Danny." Linda pauses for a minute, thinking about the next thing to say. "It's okay that Brie's helping you. No matter what anyone says, it's okay. Just because you go to a psychologist, does not mean you're crazy. It means you have thoughts and feelings that are somewhat out of your control, that you want *back* in your control."

"When did you get so smart?"

"You know I'm the brains of this li'l operation." She leans towards him and gives him a peck on the cheek. "Want to take a shower?"

*That was random*. "No." He answers simply. 

"Rephrase: you and I are gonna take a shower." She stands up. 

"You and I? As in together?"

"You need cheering up. And I know just how to do that."

*********

"I don't want to do this," Danny tells Linda as they drive to his father's house for the weekly Sunday dinner gathering. 

"Would you rather have them find out through the grape vine? A long, long, messy grape vine? All the facts'll be muddled, and he'll give you more of a le- *speech* then he already would've if you just out and tell him."

"Easy for you to say," he sulks in the passenger seat. "Your family's not against therapy." 

"My family," she almost spits out the word. "Is against me."

"Sorry. I didn't-"

"I know, honey. Look, I'll be there with you. And I'll give 'em hell if they think it's alright to give you hell." She parks the car then turns to him. "It'll be okay, Danny." She grabs his hand. "Trust me."

He knows she'd be wrong; it'd be anything but okay. A disaster? Yes. Like the titanic sinking? Definitely. The Hindenburg? He whimpers as he walks to the door with her. 

Everything starts out fine; they say 'hi' to the family, make the normal how-was-your-week conversations, then it is time for dinner. 

Time for disaster, Danny thinks as he subconsciously pulls out Linda's chair. 

The conversation starts normally, with Jamie discussing a science paper he needed to do. It‘s due at the end of the school year, and he‘s just getting into the bulk of the paper. From there, it is going okay, and Danny actually relaxes. That is, until Joe opens his mouth. 

"Hey. You know who I saw at the store the other day? That, um, that whack quack friend of yours."

"For the last time," Linda states annoyed, "she is not whack. She merely enjoys life, and she's a good psychologist."

"Yeah, who slept with every college professor." Jack Boyle mumbles under his breath. 

Linda stares daggers at him. "At least she's not cheating on her spouse."

An awkward silence hangs in the air, until Mary speaks up. "Have you seen Brie recently, Linda?"

"Uh, yeah. And speaking of Brie..." she looks to Danny, who looks thoroughly uncomfortable. "Danny's been talking to her."

"Talking to her? About...?" Frank has a feeling he knew what Linda is eluding to. 

"About... his time in Fallujah?" She doesn’t want it to come out as a question. 

Frank looks at his eldest, who is very focused on his mashed potatoes. "You're seeing a therapist."

"Frank," Mary starts, but he continues. 

"Why would you be going to a therapist?"

"Why would anybody be going to a therapist?" Danny shoots back, quickly losing his cool. 

"Because they're insane." Erin pipes up, her voice flat. 

"Just because you see a therapist, doesn't mean you're insane!" Linda defends, upset it‘s going the way Danny predicted. "All it means is you need help a family member can't give you."

"Are you taking pills?" Henry ignores Linda's reasoning. 

"Does it matter?" Danny wants to curl into a hole and die. Why is his family so against therapy and pills?

"How many?"

"Only one."

"For what?" Jamie finally pipeS up, the look on his face saying he wanted to know more about his brother’s situation. 

"Does it matter?" He repeats again, counting to ten in his mind. 

"Yes, it matters!" Frank is close to yelling. 

"Frank," Mary tries again, but he persists. 

"What are you taking?"

"Some antidepressive shit." *Five. Six. Seven.*

"You shouldn't be taking that. It's-"

Before Henry can finish, Danny stands up and tosses his napkin behind him as he walks away. He curses at the family, "f*** all of you."

A door slams somewhere in the house, and Linda stands up, getting ready to follow her husband

"For once I agree with him!" Linda is rightfully appalled at the family for not understanding. "It's okay for Henry to take pills for his joints. It's okay for Joe to take pills for that stomach thing. It's okay for me to take hormone supplements, but it's not okay for Danny to take an antidepressant?"

"It's called birth control," Jack smiles snarkily at his sister in law. 

"They're hormone supplements. I'm not taking it to control birth, I'm taking it to control hormones, and I’ve stopped now- but that's not the point!" She raises her voice once again. "You're all a bunch of hypocrites, Y'know that? You say 'do whatever it takes to help you, so long as it's safe'. You say 'family sticks together'. I didn't see much sticking! And *you*," she points to Frank and Henry. "You two should know *exactly* what Danny's going through! And you do! But instead you tell him it's wrong to take a pill to quiet down depressive thoughts and symptoms?" She shakes her head in disbelief and walks away. 

Jack mumbles something under his breath that Linda can’t quite make out.

She turns around, visibly angry. “Did you know that Danny’s not sleeping at night? Hm? Did you know that his Sargent has him on desk duty, cause he isn’t deemed fit to be out in the field? Did you know that? You must’ve known that, Commissioner. You must’ve known, cause you know everything, and you didn’t question it?” She addresses Henry with contempt. “Did you know that he cries at night? Did you know that, when he thinks I’m asleep, he tells me these awful things? The terrible, terrible dreams and thoughts he has? Did *any* of you notice he was suffering? At all?”

“Did you?” Jack challenges back, smiling internally when he sees Linda’s stance waiver. 

“Not as soon as I should’ve... but now I see it, and I’m doing everything I can to help him. I let him talk to me; I let him have space when he needs it; I let him just hug me, so he knows I’m still here for him. What have you done for him lately? Tell him it’s wrong to take pills that’ll stop those terrible thoughts?” She sighs, shaking her head once again. “Great. That’s just great. I can see where your priorities lie.” She storms away, needing to find her husband.


	4. Control- I Like To Have A Lot

"They're all dickheads," Danny says bitterly. Why did he secretly hope the family would accept the situation? He should've know they wouldn't agree with him. "Except Linda. She's okay."

Brie has to hide her smile behind her hand. Danny is... definitely one of her more colorful patients. He'll go on all sorts of tangents; tangents about the world, about his family, about Linda. Brie finds it very adorable how Linda always pops up, even if it has nothing to do with her. He must be very in love. 

"You're obviously bitter."

"Is it that obvious?" He feels comfortable with Brie. She's a lot like his wife, which is probably why he likes her. Maybe in another life they'd be together, but probably not, because Linda is his soulmate. 

"I understand being pissed at them for not accepting you the way you are."

"I'm a war vet, not a closeted gay."

"Did I sound like I implied that? Sorry, I didn't mean that at all. So why are you so pissed?"

"I told the family about this, how I need help." Danny is trying hard to admit when he needs help. Brie thinks it's easier to admit if you say it a lot, so he's trying to do that. "And they were... awful. They didn't even begin to try to understand it."

"What happened?"

"I don't know. After about two minutes I stormed away. Linda won't tell me what they said; she seems really offended by whatever happened."

"Your family... super white, conservative, antiquated macho dinosaurs?"

Danny laughs, "you've been talkin' to my wife. Y'know, I don't even know why we're against pills and therapy. Linda's made a good point before though- why are we against antidepressants and shit, but not against iron supplements or hormone supplements or shit like that?"

"Seems like a double standard, huh?"

"A stupid one." He nods in agreement. As long as they don’t talk about the war, he’s okay.

"Maybe something happened to someone your Dad or grandpa knows. Something bad like he ended up killing himself because therapy wasn't working?"

"It'd be interesting to know, but I'm not that invested. All I know is that they're dickheads. Except Linda. I really expected more from my Mom. Jamie just looked confused."

"Jamie's the... youngest, right?"

"Yeah, sorry."

"What about the other two? The, uh, Irish twins?"

"Erin was a bitch, and Joe just kinda sat there. Asked a few questions."

"So who's this other dude? The one Linda absolutely hates?"

"Jack Boyle. Brother in law. He was an ass. A jackass." Danny smiles like he just realized what he had said. "I dunno, Brie. If they're all against it, why do it?"

"It doesn't matter what they say. They're a bunch of dickheaded, antiquated dinosaurs, remember? What matters is you. You do you." She pauses for a minute, changing subjects. "Do you feel like things are out of your control?"

"Linda says that's why I'm seeing you."

"So find something you can control, even if it's trivial. Control how the spices get put away. Control the... laundry. Just something that you are able to control."

Danny nods, thinking what in his life he could control. 

***********

"Brie says I need to find something to control," Danny tells Linda as he follows her around the house. "Can i control you?"

"Absolutely not!" Linda whirls around to face him, wearing a face of true offense. "You are not going to control me, Danny Reagan. I am my own woman, and no man is going to tell me what I can and cannot do, even if that man is my very own husband! I am appalled you'd even ask me that!"

"Not in life! I meant," he pauses, not sure how he should bring it up. "In the bedroom."

"Oh! You mean bondage and Daddy issues!" She relaxes at that realization. "Okay. Control me."

Why does this suddenly seem like he's biting off so much more than he can chew?

Linda's sitting on the bed, while he ties a scarf around her head, rendering her sight. 

"Can you see at all?"

"Nope." She lets him guide her hands together, but when she feels another silk scarf wrap around them, she makes a weird noise. 

"You okay?"

She doesn't answer, trying to process the feelings and thoughts going through her. She blinks a few times after he pushes the scarf off her eyes and on to her forehead. 

"Linda, you okay?"

"Can we, um...." her brow furrows, thinking through the words. "Don't get me wrong, I really like the idea of bondage, but, uh.... maybe not all at once? Blindfold or bound, but not both. Not... yet."

Danny nods, understanding her reservations. He touches the silk scarf on forehead. “Blindfolded?”

She screws her lips in that contemplative pout he loves, thinking about what to say. “Could we just... let’s forget about the blindfold. It’s uh, it’s easier in theory... but I really want to try this!” She is quick to explain. “I do. Just... how about you hold my wrists? So I can just wiggle when it gets too much. If I like it, we’ll do it a lot, and we can work up to scarves and blindfolds and handcuffs.”

“Okay, yeah. That sounds better.”

***********

The jarring ring of the phone wakes Danny from his peaceful slumber. He groans as he carefully twists out of Linda’s embrace, trying not to wake her.

She moves to her back, though, rubbing her eye. “Too late. Who’s calling?”

“I don’t know.” He looks at the caller ID. “It’s Mom.”

“Are you going to talk to her?”

“No.”

The annoying ringing continues, much to the blonde’s annoyance. “Please answer it.”

Reluctantly he opens the phone. “Yes?”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Mary’s voice filters through the phone. 

He has half a mind to tell her the truth. But instead he answers with an annoyed, “what is it, Mom?”

“Could you come over here for a little bit? I need your assistance in moving that ugly chair somewhere else.”

He sighs, not in the mood to do anything. But she is his mother... “fine. I’ll be there soon.”


	5. We’re Sorry, So Sorry

Danny finds his mother and brother sitting at the kitchen counter. "Shouldn't you be in school?" 

Jamie shrugs and simply answers, "fever."

"Where's the chair?"

"There, um... there is no chair, Danny." Mary says, standing up. "Jamie and I want to apologize. We want to say we're sorry."

Jamie nods, "big time."

"For what?" He's defensive and he knows it, but he's angry at them. Angry that they didn't do anything in his defense.

"We were kind of... rude the other night." Mary starts, picking her words carefully. "I want you to know that I'm okay with you going to that psychologist."

"Me too," Jamie leans forward, "I was asking those questions cause I was curious... I wanna help."

"We both want to help, Danny. Your father... well, I probably can't change his mind, but I can make he be less.."

"Like he's got a stick up his ass?" Danny guesses, ignoring Jamie's giggles.

"That's one way to put it. We think it's good you're getting help."

"Yeah, and unlike everyone else, I don't think Dr. Riley's a quack." For a sick person, Jamie sure seems peppy.

"You haven't met her." Danny almost sneers back. 

"Dammit, Danny! We're trying to apologize, and all you can think about it sassing us?"

When did Linda plant herself in Jamie? "I know. I'm sorry." He sits on the stool at the island. "I'm not sure you really can help."

"Mom can steer the conversation. She's good at that," Jamie smiles at his mom and nods.

"And Dad's good at missing the signs." He stands, not wanting to dwell any longer. "I should get back to Linda. Thanks for the apology."

Mary nods and hugs him, whispering something in his ear. Jamie bids him farewell, wondering what Mary had whispered.

************

"They apologized?" Linda questions after he tells her the events of that period of time. "That's good! That means not everyone is an ass."

Danny puts an arm around her shoulders, bringing her cheek to his lips. "Only you, Mom, Brie, and Jamie seem to be okay with this."

"With you going to therapy?" She needs clarification.

"Yeah."

"Everyone should be okay with it." She crosses her arms, still ticked at the family. 

**********

Brie is sitting in her office, going over one of her patient's files when the receptionist buzzes. Before she can get two words out, her door opens and a a tall man walks in. 

She thinks he looks like Tom Selleck. "I think I saw you on my tv screen last night," she jokes, the heavy stare of the man making her a little uneasy. "What can I do you for?"

"You have a patient here: Daniel Reagan."

"Are you a family member?" She stands up, ready to defend her patient's privacy. All her sessions are confidential, but Danny had given her free talk-and-tell abilities to Linda, but only Linda. She isn't about to give his information to anyone but her blonde best friend. 

"I'm his father."

"Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Reagan-"

"Chief." He corrects, seemingly thinking that would make him immediately okay to look at the files or to ask her his questions.

"Chief Reagan," Brie repeats hotly, not fazed by his stature or manner anymore. "But the only people who have access to that file and that information are me, Danny, and his wife."

Almost mockingly, Frank says, "I thought it was confidential."

"It is, Chief, but Danny has given me the permission to share his files with his wife. She is, after all, nearly one of us."

"I don't want the files."

"Oh," Brie relaxes, almost glumly, as her face changes expressions. "What do you want then?"

"I want you to stop seeing Danny. He doesn't need any of this. Take him off your list of patients or whatever it is you have. I want you to stop seeing him."

"No can do, sir. He needs help, and I will help until he doesn't need help anymore."

"I don't think you understood-"

"No, I don't think *you* understood. He is going to remain my patient until he doesn't need my help anymore. And no Chief, Lieutenant, Sargent, or father is going to stop me." Brie walks to the door, waiting for him to leave.

Frank hates to admit it, but he admires her for standing her ground, for sticking to her morals. He walks out, nonetheless, leaving a seething Brie.

Brie is torn; does she tell Danny about the visit? How will he react? "Badly." She decides and picks up her phone.

***********

"Hello?" It's breathless and shallow.

"Hi, Linda. Sorry for interrupting your workout."

"Oh, no, that's fine. We needed a break anyway."

"We?"

"Me an' Danny. We were working out."

"Uh huh," Brie smiles, thinking Linda means a nooner, even though she really does means a genuine work out. "Um, are you on speaker?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I need to talk to you privately."

"Oh, okay. Sure." She turns to Danny, "why don't you get the shower ready?"

Brie uncharacteristically blushes as she hears the husband and wife kiss passionately in the background. 

Once Danny is gone, Linda says, "okay, what's up?"

Brie has half a mind to say... no, she won't. Yes, she will. "Danny."

"Why?" And then, "Brie! Get your mind out of the gutter."

"No, but seriously. The reason I called is because of Danny."

"Oh?"

"Yes. His Dad..."

"Frank?"

"Frank came to the office today. Told me I had to stop seeing Danny. Had to stop helping him."

"What did you say?"

"Basically the professional and polite version of F-O."

"Are you going to tell Danny?"

"I don't know. He seems to be putting up another front.... if I don't, will you?"

"Yeah. But not now."

"No, not now. Go enjoy your shower sex. See ya later."

"Okay, bye." Linda hangs up and climbs the stairs, heading towards the kitchen. She sees Danny staring at the knife blocks. Slowly, she steps behind him, but far enough out of range in case he whirls with a knife. "Danny?" 

His brow is ceased, his knuckles are white from gripping the counter. "Dad... went to see Brie."

"You heard that, huh?" 

"Of course I heard it."

"What, uh... what are you going to do about it?"

"What can I do about it?"

"Forgive him."

Danny turns around, and looks her in the eye. Her blue eyes have been sad ever since he tried.... he searches her eyes, and she seems very genuine. "You're a much better person than me."

She shrugs, grabbing his hand. "Let's forget about that now, and hit the showers."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frank comes around, don’t worry!


	6. The Room Is On Fire, Invisible Smoke

As Danny lay in bed that night, he feels guilty. Guilty for surviving, guilty for causing the fights that'll happen between his parents, guilty for not enjoying Linda's company.

She always makes him feel better (and of late safer), but he really only made love to her as a distraction. A distraction from how pissed off he was at his Dad. He turns his head to look at his wife, who is sleeping soundly. Her back is to him, but she's still so cute with her hair in her eyes and her mouth slightly open. He brushes the hair from her face, kisses her cheek, and starts talking to her.

"I love you, you know. Despite... everything, I love you." Her voice echoes in his mind; that sweet, angelic voice and those loving blue eyes always bring him back down. "You're my rock.. you ground me. But not of late, huh?" He shakes his head, rubbing a finger over her arm. "I was gonna do it, y'know. I really was, but... somethin' told me I needed to call you, and then...."

He laughs almost bitterly, sucking in a breath as he drops his head to her shoulder. "Everything's so f***ed up." He turns his head to kiss her neck, and a small, sleepy moan escapes her lips. He can't help but smirk at that. "Y'like that, huh?" He nuzzles her ear, feels her relax further.

"You're the real deal. You're kind and compassionate and extremely patient... I love you. I don't tell that to you enough, and when I was talking to Brie, I realized I've been saying it out of habit. So I'm gonna try to say it more, randomly, not in habit." He kisses her cheek, "I love you, Linda Rose O'Shea Reagan. More than anyone or anything. You're so understanding, unlike Dad. He just... he didn't even try." His voice cracks, and the feeling of nausea takes over. He feels the need to cry, and he doesn't want to wake Linda, so he gets out of bed and heads to the en-suite.

***********

Unknown to Danny, Linda hears every word he says, feels every kiss. She's awake and trying so hard not to cry for him, cry that he's losing himself. She waits half a minute until she gets out of bed and follows him to the en-suite. She finds him dry-heaving over the toilet; she sits on her knees behind him, rubs his back as he throws up the little dinner he ate.

She holds him while he ugly cries, ignoring how his grip on her arms is actually painful and sure to leave marks. She talks to him in a soothing voice, rubbing his back, kissing his head.

Danny takes shattering breath after shattering breath, and feels the need to puke again. He barely turns to the toilet in time to let go of the remnants of his dinner. He leans against the wall, and feels Linda's hand against his arm. Her voice fills his head as his breaths don't slow down.

"Breathe, honey. In," she holds her breath for four counts, "and out."

He follows her instructions.

"Okay, slower next time." Linda guesses it takes twenty minutes for Danny to fully calm down, and she's pretty sure it's because of pure exhaustion.

He drops his head to her shoulder, still sitting on the bathroom floor. "I wish it all would end."

"What would end?"

"Everything."

"But not you an' me, right?"

He looks at her, not really able to see her in the dark bathroom. He doesn't answer as he quickly stands and walks out.

Linda stands quickly too, following him back into the room. "But not you and me, right? Right?"

He looks at her again, closes his eyes, and falls onto the bed. 

"Danny." Linda crawls over him, pinning him down by straddling his hips. Her stance is firm, then loosens as if she's defeated. "Why do you want a divorce?"

He bolts up at that, almost knocking her off him. He steadies her by putting his hands on her hips. "Who said that?"

"You! You said you wanted everything to end, and I asked even us, and you didn't say a damn thing!"

Danny feels awful, because now Linda's crying. "Linda," he tucks her hair behind her ear. "Honey, I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't- don't cry. Don't be mad at yourself."

"I'm not mad at myself," she says around tears. "I'm scared!"

"Scared?"

"Scared for you! I see you, Danny. I see you! I see how you don't wanna do any of this." She gets off him and stands by the dressers. "I see how you're still thinking about-" she can't finish that sentence.

"About what, Linda?" He stands when there's no answer. "About what, Linda?" He repeats, his voice firm.

"About trying to kill yourself!" Her hands fly to her mouth and she sinks to the floor. Danny comforts her the way she had done to him not ten minutes ago.

**************

"John Denver."

"What?" Brie wonders, confused, but happy he's finally talking. They had been sitting in silence for a half hour.

"She likes John Denver. His smooth songs help her fall asleep. Help me too, apparently."

"What happened last night?"

Danny takes a swig from the bottle of water he had been mindlessly holding. "Couldn't fall asleep. Had a full blown panic attack. A real one, with puking and crying and that sorta shit. Linda calmed me down, but I was still..." he makes a funny face, causing Brie to smile. "She gave me some extra somethin' or other. Something calming and non addictive. Serotonin, I think."

"I think you mean melatonin, Danny."

"I do?"

"Mmm. Melatonin is the sleepy hormone, as I call it. Helps with the sleep-wake cycle. You shouldn't take it a two in the morning, as it gets you on a cycle. Serotonin is the happy chemical, contributes to cheerfulness. And, if I'm remembering my science correctly, it plays a big part in sexual happiness."

"Oh." *That was lacking last night...*

"Anything else?"

"She got scared." He saw Brie's eyes slightly widen. "No. Not because of me. For me. She thinks...."

"What? What does Linda think?"

"She thinks that... I'm still trying- trying to.... end... it all."

"Are you?"

He shrugs, not wanting to talk.

"Danny."

He feels the walls closing in, much like he did in the en-suite. He doesn't know he's gripping the bottle so tightly, he's crushing it (cheap plastic bottle). 

Brie gently takes it from his hands, setting it down on the desk. She gently touches his shoulder, and he rears at her. She jumps out of the way, and he stumbles into the desk. 

Danny crumples to the floor as his breath is knocked from him. Stupid insanely high desk. 

Brie kneels in front of him, "you okay?"

"Yeah. Fine." He pushes himself up, feeling weary.

"I don't have another patient for two hours... do you want to talk more?"

"No."

"Do you need to talk more?"

"No."

Brie sighs; this is going no where fast. "Okay. I'll see you next week. We can talk more about this. You need a ride home?"

"Linda's coming to pick me up."

"Good. I suggest you wash your face before she comes. Don't want to worry her more that she already is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone know how to do italics when writing on the phone? It doesn’t give me an option for it.
> 
> Also, if you hadn’t noticed, all the chapter titles are from song lyrics


	7. A Little (Less) Conversation

Sunday dinner is tense to say the least... the very least. Danny's silently fuming at his Dad and not eating, all while wanting to shout and cry. Linda's eyes keep shifting from her husband to her father in law, trying to read their faces, and jump in before either of them say something stupid. Erin seems somewhere between mad and confused, Jack looks like he couldn't care less, and Jamie looks like he wants to say something- anything- to lift the awful silence.

Jamie opens his mouth, but clamps it shut. He knows which topics to avoid, Linda had made sure of that. So he thinks long and hard about a subject. "You comin' to my game Saturday? Danny?"

"You've got a game?"

"Yeah. My baseball playoffs are this weekend."

"Oh. Um.... we'll try to make it." Maybe seeing his baby brother play a game he loves will take his mind off everything.

"Good. It's a noon game, so we could get ice cream afterwards?"

Linda nods, "sounds like a plan."

"You'll do anything for ice cream." Jamie smiles at his sister in law.

"This is true."

Conversation stops there, and more awkward silence fills the room. Usually Mary could carry the conversation, but she's too concerned about her baby and how her husband is treating this situation. 

Jack Boyle finally breaks the silence, bringing in a topic no one wanted to talk about. "So. How long are you going to be psycho?"

Danny slams his glass down, actually shattering it, glares at Jack, and storms away. 

"Thanks a lot, Jackass!" Linda curses freely at him, quickly following Danny to his destination.

Erin knows she should scold Jack, but she's thinking the same thing. She wants to know how long Danny will be like this, because, honestly, it's scaring her.

************

"Mary," Frank sighs as he washes his face after brushing his teeth.

"Don't 'Mary' me. You know damn good and well you're in the wrong here." 

"Reagans don't-"

"Do pills and therapy. Yeah, yeah, I get it. But Danny needs them. I bet you didn't know he almost committed suicide." So that was sort of a cheap shot, but Mary is desperate.

Frank walks out of the bathroom, looking like all the air has gone from him. "What?"

"Only Linda, Danny, his therapist, and I know. Linda told me before dinner. She says Danny's not.... haven't you even seen him? Don't you see how he's not here with us, even when he is? How he's not eating? Or sleeping? Did you see how broken he looked when Jack called him psycho?" She huffs out a breath, crossing her arms. "Honestly, Francis, I expected more from you."

He knows he's in trouble; she only calls him Francis when he's in deep. "I guess I didn't want to notice. I...." he sighs, rubbing a hand over his eye, sitting at the edge of the bed. "I went to that therapist. Told her to stop helping Danny."

Mary is about to scold him when he continues. 

"She said no. I actually admire her for standing her ground. But.... that was stupid and selfish of me."

"Uh, yeah." Mary's sarcastic answer comes from behind him.

"Do you think he knows?"

"Judging by the way he was looking at you, my guess is yes." 

Frank curses himself. "I suppose I should talk to him."

**********

"Danny, calm down." Linda's voice is firm but soft in his ear. "Come on, breathe."

He's outside in the garden, in his socks and pajamas. She's similarly dressed, and it's almost midnight. Dinner was a sham, just as he expected. Every went home after he walked out like that.

He shakes his head, his breath freezing and his tears hot against his cheek. He wants it all to stop, stop, stop! 

Linda grabs his hand, presses it against her chest. "Breathe with me. In.... and out." 

He's gripping her Mamma Mia! baseball tee, a souvenir from when he took her to see the play three months ago for her birthday. All was so happy back then; why can't he go back to that?

She presses her forehead to his, breathing in his face. Her breath smells like her toothpaste, and she still smells of her perfume. He inhales her perfume, feels her heart beating against his hand, hears her voice. 

He feels her lips against his cheek, and a (surprisingly) proud, "good job, babe."

Linda shivers in the cold air. It's almost Halloween, which means New York is getting colder by the second. 

"Are you cold?" Danny notices even though she has pink flannel pajama pants, she's shivering. Lack of socks and a jacket, he supposes. In the dim light from the porch (which he habitually switched on while he ran out), he can see little peaks against the front of her shirt. 

"I'll stay out here as long as you need."

"Let's go back in. I'm... okay now."

Danny and Linda are surprised to find Frank in the kitchen, seemingly waiting for them. Frank feels guilty when he sees Danny stiffen.

"I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry."

Danny visibly relaxes at that, and Linda looks up at him. "Oh?"

"I talked to your therapist. And I told her to stop seeing you. It was wrong of me to do so, and I'm dreadfully sorry."

Danny forces a smile on his face. "It's okay, Dad."

"You know it's not."

"No, you thought... you were helping in some way. It's okay, really." His grip tightening around her shoulders did not go unnoticed by Linda. "We're going to bed now." He steers Linda to the stairs. 

Once in his old room, he wonders, "why did you want to stay over night again?"

She sighs, "look, I know you're pissed at your Dad, but need I remind you of that... attack you had after Jack said those things?"

He looks down guiltily. "He just pisses me off."

"I know. He pisses me off, too... but I wanted to stay here tonight because I thought it might help you sleep. You're not sleeping or eating, Danny. And you're worrying me."

He pulls her to his chest, hugging her tightly. He doesn't know what to say, and he's not sure if he knew, he'd want to talk. Things are getting harder, even though he makes them seem better. He supposes he's a good actor, but shouldn't his wife see right through him?

"I know things are getting worse, Danny," Linda says, still tucked against his chest. "Let me bear the burden. Please."

He shakes his head, pulls away, and slips his hand into hers. "Let's go to bed."

She complies, but only because he sounds exhausted. She snuggles as close as she can possibly get, resting her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I love you."

"I love you more."

"I love you the most."


	8. Baby, It’s Cold Outside

"I forgot to ask you the last time," Brie starts, hoisting herself on the brick wall. "Did you find something to control?"

Danny gets an almost dreamy look on his face, smiling for the first time in a while. "Oh yeah. Yeah."

"Fantastic! By the look on your face, I can tell you liked it. What was it you controlled?"

"Linda."

"Linda?! Little Miss Independent- I'm-My-Own-Woman-And-No-Man-Is-Gonna-Tell-Me-What-To-Freakin-Do Reagan?"

Danny chuckles, "yeah, Mrs. I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar is letting me control her. Uh, in the bedroom. She'd never let me do it in life."

"I had a feeling about her..." Brie shakes her head. "I can tell you're enjoying it, but... did my little kinky-wanna-be enjoy it?"

"Yup.... can I ask a question, Doc?"

"Shoot. Oh, I, uh, mean go ahead," she is not sure if the word shoot would set him off.

"Why are we outside?"

"It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining, the breeze blowing, leaves are falling."

"It's cold."

"Do you not like the cold?"

"Not really."

"So what business do you have being in New York?"

He shrugs at that, "my family says I wouldn't survive out of the five boroughs."

"But you did survive out of the five boroughs. For four years." She notices he flinches at that, "is it hard for you to talk about Fallujah?" He flinches again.

"You lied to me."

"No, I didn't. When?"

"When I asked why we're outside. You lied."

"I didn't lie to you, Danny. I just didn't finish my thought because we started talking about something else. I.. I'm right in assuming you're claustrophobic, yes?"

"Yeah." He nods noncommittally, knowing there'd be no point in beating around the bush. Anyone who knows him knows he's claustrophobic. ‘Part of the reason I hate hospitals, I guess‘. 

"And last week, you.. kinda wigged out on me. I thought it might be better outside. Lots more space, no walls closing in."

"Thanks for doing that." And he means it. Walls have been closing too fast and too often and too recently. 

"I'm here to help. Do you wanna talk about why you hate the cold?"

"Just don't like being cold."

"Is it because of Fallujah?"

Danny jumps off the wall, leaves crunching under his feet. "What does it matter anyways? I hate the cold. End of story."

"That's not the end of the story, but we can come back to that... can you come sit again?"

He sighs and pushes himself onto the brick wall. He sits Indian styled, threading his fingers together. 

"Danny, I need to tell you something. Last week, your father-"

"Told you to stop helping me. I know. I heard you talking to Linda."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Angry. If he cared enough to tell you to stop, why didn't he care enough to support it?"

"I think you need to ask him that. I also think that he was maybe a little scared for you?"

"Linda says she's scared for me."

"Yes, she told me you had a rough night Tuesday. What happened?"

"It was Wednesday. Uh, I dunno. I... I talk to my wife when she's asleep. I... don't know. I guess it's some times easier for me to just talk without anyone listening? Or asking annoying psycho questions? But I was talking to her. Telling her I love her, how she's my rock. And then I started taking about..." Danny stops, not wanting to go into that can of worms. He lets out a shaky breath, "about the- the suicide attempt." His voice waivers on the word suicide. "And, I dunno. Something got messed up, and I felt like I couldn't breathe."

Brie notices the pauses he's taking. "Take your time."

"Linda says I had a panic attack, which triggered her panic attack... it's all so f***ed up. She's.... scared... of me."

"No, Danny. Not of you. For you. She's scared for you. She could never be scared of you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're not scary, and she loves you like hell. The only girl I know who didn't date her heart out in college. Then she got engaged. Oy. Was she fun during that time." Brie rolls her eyes, "but. That's not the point. Let's talk about your tour."

Danny jumps from the wall again. "Why bother? It's over. I'm okay."

"You might be okay, but you're not fine at all."

Danny turns to her, almost as if he's heard that somewhere before. "But I am fine. Really."

"I'm pretty sure trying to kill yourself constitutes as not fine."

"How much did you and Linda even hang out? Is she like, incarnated in you? Because that’s exactly something she would say.” 

Brie laughs that. "Who knows? We might have the same father. He's a whore and I'm a bastard."

"You're not a bastard."

"No, I am. I'm illegitimate."

"Oh."

Brie's watch beeps, and she turns it off. "That's all we have time for. See you next week?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"You okay with being outside again?"

Danny thinks about if for a minute. He does hate the cold, but he didn't feel claustrophobic this time.... "we'll try it."

"Okay. Thank you for coming."

He shrugs. "Thanks for putting up with me."

"I don't 'put up with you', Danny. I'm helping. I wanna see Linda too, next time. Maybe also separately. I have an idea on how to help you."

*********

"You have to eat something, Danny," Linda says, a little annoyed. He's been eating very little dinner the last two weeks.

Danny sighs. Has it really been two weeks since he...? "I'm not hungry."

"Just a little, please?"

He shakes his head, making Linda hang her head in exasperation. 

"Dammit, Danny. Your organs are gonna slowly die if you don't get food in you. It's a slow and painful death, and one I'm not about to let you experience. Just try some crackers, okay?"

He doesn't want the crackers, but he'll do anything to get that look off her face.

"I'm sorry you're..." Linda pauses, finding the right words.

"A total nutcase?"

"No." She nearly slams her fist on the table. "I'm sorry you're in pain. You are not a nut case, you hear?"

"Yeah, yeah." He throws the goldfish cracker back in the bag. "I'm just insane, right? Insane and stupid and suicidal."

‘Patience, Linda. Patience’. "No one talks about my husband that way. Even him."

"Don't quote me to me."

"You are not insane or stupid. You're hurting, crying out for help, and I'm gonna give it to you.... can you try something for me, please?"

"Fine."

"Tell me you're not stupid."

"Okay. You're not stupid."

Linda stands up, frustrated and angry. "Dammit, Danny! We're trying to help you, and all you can be is a sarcastic ass?" She shakes her head and leaves him alone in the kitchen.


	9. Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher And Higher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a sex scene, so if you don’t like I suggest you skip that part.
> 
> Also, if the direction of this story changes (which has been known to happen), I’ll amp up the rating ;)

She leaves him alone in the kitchen. Alone. In the kitchen. With knives.

Danny stands up and plucks the big meat knife from the block. He's thought about this before, about drawing blood. He doesn't really know how or where to cut without Linda seeing. He decides to slice his palm (bad idea) and tell Linda he did it cutting chicken. Or some other flimsy lie. 

He crudely ties the gauze on his right hand, tosses the knife in the sink, and heads downstairs to box. He doesn't see a punching bag in front of him. He sees all his fears, all his failures, all the sights and sounds of Fallujah. Deep down, he knows this is all Fallujah's fault, but on the surface, he thinks it's his fault. 

Thoughts of uselessness and worthlessness spin through his head and he lands punch after punch. He doesn't know how long he's down there, or when his knuckles start to bleed.

"I'm sorry, Danny."

When had Linda come in?

"I shouldn't have gotten angry at you like that. It's just that..." she grunts, annoyed. "You get me so mad talking like that. Saying you don't— you're bleeding."

When did she stand in front of the bag?

"Oh."

She grabs his left hand, frowning at the blood and the bandage on his right hand. She leads him to the kitchen, instructs him to sit on the counter, and fetches the first aid kit. "Did you even feel the pain?"

Danny watches as she gets gauze, some antiseptic, tape. He looks down at his knuckles, winching when he saw how bad they were. "I.. no." But now he does, ow. 

"You need to wear gloves... what happened to your other hand?"

"Oh, uh..."

Linda walks over to the glass cabinet and takes one out. She fills it with water, the gasps as she notices the knife. "Danny, did you cut yourself?"

He closes his eyes, hangs his head. How did he not think Linda would notice?

"Honey?" She's standing between this legs, lightly dabbing the open wounds with a paper towel. After the bleeding's stopped, she'll clean it properly. She gently wraps a towel around his left hand, then turns his right hand over. She unwraps the crude bandage and gasps when she sees the deep cut. She wants to cry, "Danny."

Danny suddenly slides off the counter, causing her to jump back. She watches helplessly as he hurls the few goldfish crackers he had eaten.

Once finished, he slumps to the floor, not caring about the blood falling to his pants. "I... I'm not sure I knew I was doing it."

That scares the hell out of Linda. "I shouldn't have yelled and left.... forgive me?"

He nods. "Forgive me?"

She nods. "But there is no way we're letting this rest. Let's talk to Brie once I get you cleaned up."

*********

"Oh, Danny." Brie sounds sincerely disappointed and heartbroken. 

"I know." He feels defeated. "You're mad."

"I'm not mad. Just disappointed."

"Oh come on! Everyone knows that's worse!"

Linda rubs his shoulders. "Brie, is there anything I can do?"

"Don't let him alone in the kitchen. Or anywhere with sharp objects. Okay, Danny?"

"I'm not gonna kill myself with a fork," he grumbles. Not strong enough.

"I know that... okay, um. Danny, do you think you want to talk to me tomorrow? I've got a free hour at two."

"No. I have work, anyways."

"You're still working?" Brie sounds almost horrified. 

"Desk duty." He mumbles, "Stupid desk." 

"Okay. I can talk to you over the phone on our lunch breaks-"

"I don't need to talk to you."

Linda smacks his shoulder, without thinking how high strung he is. He swings back, getting her in the eye. 

Brie hears a groan, Danny's broken voice, and Linda's hurried, "we'll call ya back, Brie."

"Oh, baby. I'm..." Danny reaches out to touch Linda, but she coils into herself, away from him. "Honey...."

She's scared of him this time, not for him. "I..." she swallows, her hands clutching each other against her chest. "You need...."

He sighs, his heart breaking at the look on her face. "I can sleep on the couch?"

She nods, "I'm sorry, Danny-"

"No, I deserve it." He walks to the couch and she walks up the stairs. 

Thirty minutes of crying and not sleeping has Danny creeping up the stairs. He quietly opens the door and slides in, closing it out of habit. He sees Linda turn towards him moving, her eyes open. He's quick to explain, "just need a pillow."

"Shut up."

"What?"

She pulls him down to the bed, "shut up."

He's surprised when her lips encase his, her arms wrapping around him, trapping him to her. "Linda?"

"Don't speak." She kisses him again, her tongue massaging his. She trails her nails down his bare torso, to the band of his sweatpants. 

He moans as her hands slips beneath his sweats. "I assume this means you forgive me?" His lips attach to her neck. 

"Uh huh," she tips her neck back for a better angle. She smiles when his hand creeps up her shirt, cupping her breast. 

Danny brings her up to her knees, the cover barrier falling away. He pulls her shirt over her head, and she shivers slightly at the cold air. "You cold?"

She nods, her eyes closing as his hands close over her breasts. "Guess you have to warm me up, huh?"

He kisses her again, down her neck, across her chest, and latches onto her breast. His lips still on her, he lowers her to the mattress. He smirks at her moans as his lips trail down her body, to the band of her pajama pants. He pulls them off her legs, along with her underwear, and discards them on the floor. He does the same with his clothes, not caring where they land. 

Linda bites her lip as Danny makes quick use of his fingers and tongue. He knows what she likes, and soon she feels her muscles relax completely. "Danny..."

Danny kisses his way back up her body, then takes her by the hand and leads her to the wall. He picks her up, her legs wrap around him immediately. She cries out her pleasure many minutes later, closing her eyes and smiling. She finds pleasure a second time when he fills her. 

Minutes later, Linda feels her eyes getting heavier as a warm wash cloth trails her thighs. “You’re so good to me. I love you.”

Danny smiles, “I love you more.”

“I love you most.” She motions to him to come closer. She kisses him, caressing his cheek. He rolls on top of her, then to his side; it takes only a moment to redistribute the covers, and for Linda’s head to be over his heart. 

For the first time in a long while, he sleeps through the night peacefully. Extremely peacefully, because the next time he briefly wakes up, it’s five a.m. instead of 1:30 a.m.


	10. I Love Only You

Linda isn't working the next day, so she goes to the market she always frequents during the fall season. Something about an open air market with the orange, red, and yellow leaves falling down around it makes her feel warm inside. Fall is her absolute favorite season, and her brown boots crunch over the leaves as she walks to the coffee stand. She orders a pumpkin spice latte- screw the calorie count- and proceeds to explore the market. She gets a few things- fresh apples for the pies, pumpkins for the cupcakes, and gourds for decorating. 

Her next stop is Walmart, where she needs to get somethings she can't at the open air market- namely ice cream. As she stands in the breakfast pastry isle, trying to decide which cinnamon roll to get, someone walks up to her. 

"Fancy meeting you here." The voice says, "I thought you only shopped at those fancy markets."

"Shut up, Holly." Holly, her next door neighbor. The slightly older woman doesn't like Linda for reasons unknown. 

"That smart mouth got you into a fight I see."

"What?"

Holly gestures to Linda's eye. "Who slugged ya?"

Ohhh....shit. Why did she think no one would notice it? She hadn't looked at it, since she had been in too much of a hurry to put on make up (she had actually just been lazy that morning). Before Linda can come up with an excuse, Holly starts making assumptions. 

"It was that loud mouthed husband of yours, wasn't it? Finally got fed up with you and your ideas."

Holly can bash her all she wants, but no one talks about Danny that way. "Danny would never do that. It was a patient at the hospital. Got mad that I was sticking him with a needle. Guess I didn't duck fast enough." She takes her cart and wheels it to another aisle, sighing quietly. 

***********

"He didn't mean it," Linda tells Brie. It's her time alone with her, and the goal is to work out a way to help Danny. "Really, it was an accident."

"I- I- I believe you, Linda," Brie is now more concerned about the situation. "What exactly happened?"

"He was upset, really upset, and I touched his shoulder. I guess I surprised him, or he was in a flashback or something.... but he really didn't mean to hit me! He could never, ever, ever do that!"

"Linda, I'm not saying I don't agree with you, or I don't believe you, cause I do. I've seen him with you, I've heard him talk about you. He acts like you're the greatest thing since sliced bread! All I'm saying is that this is getting worse. If he's hurting himself-"

"But it's hard!" Linda interrupts, suddenly feeling like she needs to defend Danny. "It is! Because he's not some confused stranger sitting in an office. He's my husband- someone I know so intimately and so completely, and... I just don't know what to say or how to say it."

"Say he was a stranger sitting in an office. What would you tell him?"

Linda looks down, thinking. "I'd tell him that what he's feeling is okay... not that it's okay, but it's alright to feel those things. I'd say he and me would have to work through it together, and I'd be more than happy to help in any way or form." She looks up as if she needs confirmation that her answer is correct. 

"And since Danny is your husband, what would you add to that?"

"That I love him so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much. That I'd stand by him through thick and thin, for better and worse... And that I'd do anything and everything humanly possible to make sure he knows that."

Brie nods, "so why don't you tell him?"

"The words get stuck in my throat. I want to tell him, I really do, but..." Linda sighs, frustrated with her lack of expression. She normally has no trouble expressing her thoughts and opinions. 

"Why don't you tell him now?" Brie stands up and grabs the phone from its station. She hand sit to Linda, "go on."

"He's in the middle of work."

"He's riding a desk. He can take two minutes to talk to you."

***********

"Reagan," Danny sighs into the phone. Stupid desk duty. 

"Danny?" Linda's voice fills his ear.

"Linda? Honey, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. I'm okay, everything's good." She quickly reassures him. "Um... how're you holding up?"

"I'm bored, but I'm fine. Is that it? Just calling to check up on me?"

"No, I... wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"I...." she pauses, glancing at Brie who gives her a thumbs up. "I just wanted to let you know I'm with you all the way. And it's okay to be confused, and that you can talk to me whenever the hell you want. And that I'm going to do everything humanly possible to make sure you know I love you with my entire being."

Danny's heart melts at the speech, and he wishes he could kiss her. He really needed to hear her say she'll support him no matter what. "I love you more."

"I love you the most.... I have to go now, but can I take you out for dinner?"

"No." He waits a beat, hearing Linda's disappointed sigh. "I'll take you out. See you later?"

"Yeah. Love you."

"Love you more."

"Love you most. Bye."

"Bye."

"See?" Brie crosses her arms, "that wasn't so scary, now was it?"

************

Danny is to meet Linda at the restaurant, because she wants to get ready by herself. Danny had told her she could help, but she insisted on meeting him there. So here he sits, already on his third mini biscuit, waiting for his currently elusive wife. 

Linda pulls the hem to her dress down a little further. The dress isn't really something she'd normally wear, it's a little tighter and shorter than she'd like, but she has to grin and bear it. She wants the evening to be fun for Danny, since he's having a rough time of life as of late. She sighs and finally walks into the restaurant. She's wearing a purple satin dress that barely comes to her mid thigh. If she tugs enough, it hits mid-thigh. She has matching silk crop sweater, and deep purple stockings. 

"I'm meeting someone here," Linda tells the waiter at the front. Seeing his face and how he almost drooled makes her feel better. She is never one to draw too much attention to herself, and is never really comfortable in outfits such as this... but if strangers- married strangers-are staring....

"Hi, honey."


	11. Talk It Over

Danny nearly chokes on his drink when he sees his wife. "Holy motherf***ing shit balls."

"Is that good?" She quickly sits down, not wanting to draw attention to herself. "I'm not... slutty or anything?"

"Crap, Linda. Where the hell did you get that?"

"You don't like it?" She sounds disappointed as she starts to stand. "I'll go home and change-"

He grabs her wrist, "you look fantastic."

"Thank you!"

**********

"It's cold," Danny says flatly, slightly bouncing up and down. 

"Would you prefer my office?" Brie offers. 

"Yes," he and Linda say together. 

A few minutes later finds the adults in the warm office, sipping hot coffee. 

"I think we should talk about that unfortunate punch...." Brie suggests slowly. 

"I didn't mean it," Danny says, his head low. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"I know, honey," Linda grabs his free hand. "It's okay, I forgive you."

"But it's not okay. I got you once, without even really knowing it till it was done. What's stopping me from..." he trails off, then in a low voice, finishes. "From killing you?"

Linda looks to Brie helplessly, her hands on her husband's shoulders now. Her expression is one of heartbreak and sorrow. 

"Do you wanna kill her?"

"No! No, gosh no! I would never!"

"Then I don't see how it would be a problem..."

"I've already hurt her without meaning to and without knowing what I was doing. I don't want to do something without realizing it."

"So what it boils down to is, you're scared of hurting Linda. Temporarily and permanently," Brie's never had a patient like Danny, so all this is new to her. She is trying her best to help, but she may need some expert's advice. 

"Yes."

"You won't hurt me, Danny." Linda tries to reassure him. 

"But I've already hurt you. Badly. You didn't want to be near me. You were scared."

Linda listens to Danny's rambling, seeing he is getting very upset. "Okay, honey, honey." She grabs his hands, making him focus on her. "You're getting upset, when you need to be calm. I know you didn't mean it, and I think you'd stop before you did something bad."

"Why? Cause I have such great morals?" Danny wonders sarcastically, rolling his eyes and slumping back to the couch. 

"No, cause you have such great love for me. I've never felt this much love in all my life. I genuinely think you'd stop before you kill me. Which you'd never do."

"How do you know that?"

"Cause it's true love." She looks behind her, where Danny is lounging. "You think this happens every day?"

He chuckles and sits up, dropping an arm around her shoulder. "What did I ever do to deserve someone as incredible as you?"

Linda blushes and smiles when he kisses her cheek. Her eyes close in contentment, her shoulders rise slightly. 

"Good. This is good," Brie interrupts the cute moment. "Talking. Talking is fantastic. You always have to talk. No festering, okay, Danny? That leads to bad things. Talk about your thoughts, about your feelings."

"I'm not so good at that."

"You seem pretty good to me."

"I'm better at showing."

"Here's what I need you to do: go out and buy a composition notebook. Can be fancy, can be cheap. Doesn't matter. Go out and buy one, and start writing what you're thinking. At the end of the week, before our next session, have Linda read it. Talk about it for at least half an hour. Bring it to our next appointment, and we'll discuss."

"So a diary?"

"In a sense. Linda, what you need to do is have a lot of patience. Try not to get frustrated with Danny when he's upset or being short with you. It's a tough time for both of you, and there's a lot of uncharted waters. Just take it one day at a time, and find things you can do together. You obviously have a very strong marriage and relationship, and I know you don't want that to crumble. Be with each other, but also have your own space."

Linda asks, "what should I do if Danny has another... whatever the hell that was when he... accidentally hit me."

"Let the flashback play out. Get in his line of vision, but be far enough away so that he can't hurt you. Afterwards, I want you to talk about it, Danny. Not all the details, but enough so Linda and I can help you."

He nods, not exactly liking the plan. He agrees anyways, to make the women happy. 

**********

"Talk. All she wants me to do is talk. Doesn't she get I don't want to talk?" Danny grumbles as he sits in bed that night. 

"Talking's good for ya, Danny!" Linda calls from the bathroom, the sink water running. It turns off and she comes out, switching the lights off. "Keeping it all bottled up inside is bad for your mental and physical health. Keeping it inside is what led us to where we are now." She climbs in bed next to him, smoothing the covers evenly over both of them. (A lost cause, because she always ends up with all the covers). 

"But talking means dwelling. And dwelling means anger and sorrow and all sortsa emotional crap."

"It's not crap, Danny. It's helpful."

"Not to me." He grumbles, crossing his arms. 

"What would you rather do? Beat the crap out of the punching bag until you broke your hands?"

"Somethin' like that."

"Honey," Linda scoots beneath the covers. "That isn't healthy either."

"Why is health so important all of a sudden? I was fine before!" He follows his wife beneath the covers. 

"Because everything's connected, sweetie. If you're suffering mentally, you're gonna be suffering physically, and vice versa." She snuggles up next to him. "Health is very important, no matter what anyone has to say about it."

Danny hears her groan slightly, "you okay?"

"Just rubbed my eye too hard."

He leans over to kiss her bruised eye, still feeling guilty about it. He brushes her hair away and kisses her forehead, "I love you."

"I love you, too." She kisses him back, sighing happily before succumbing to sleep.


	12. To Know And Understand

Danny stares at his wife as she sleeps peacefully. He wishes he could sleep like that, so relaxed and comfortable without any nightmares to keep him awake. He sighs as he sits up, realizing he wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. He gets out of bed and grabs the composition notebook from the dresser, nd heads down to the kitchen. 

He sits down at the table, tapping the pencil he grabbed against the table, thinking where to start. "'First of all, I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so there's that. I don't even know where to begin'." He stops, wondering what to write. What did Brie want him to write? What was he thinking about? He crosses out what he's written so far, and writes four words. "'Dear Dad, f*** you'."

Danny frowns, how do people do this? He supposes the people who keep diaries aren't nutcases like himself. "This is hard."

"Just write what you feel," Linda says from behind him. 

"I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's fine," she sits down across from him. "You didn't wake me. Your side of the bed is cold. How long have you been down here?"

Danny looks at the clock on the wall, "half an hour, I guess."

"Doing your homework?"

"Yeah. How do you do it?"

She yawns, "do what?"

"Write a diary."

"You just write down your thoughts. What're you feeling?"

"There's a lotta static, lotta noise."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could help."

Danny's quiet for a little bit. "You know what would really help?"

"What?"

"If the family weren't such assholes."

"I know; I'm disappointed in them. I expected more... why would they be against pills and therapy? Those things help."

"I don't know. It's just a mess."

"Write that."

"What?"

"Write that down. Write how you feel about the family's aversion to pills and therapy."

"It's stupid and senseless."

"So write!" 

He writes what he said onto the sheet of paper. "How is this supposed to help?"

"It helps get the steam out without any dire consequences. I'd write songs."

"You never told me that." He smiles lightly. 

"That's because they sucked. They were teenage rage songs about how crappy my parents were. Still are, actually." She shakes her head, "but that's not important. What's important is helping you."

"I don't need help."

"Thoughts like that are the ones that shut you down.... Danny, I love you. And seeing you like this, seeing you hurting, hurts me too." Linda reaches out and grabs his hand laying on the table. "I wanna help you, and the first step is you letting me help. Or else I can't do anything."

"You're a really good person. I'm lucky to have you." Danny never fails to make Linda blush. 

She smiles, "that's a start... I'm lucky to have you, too. You taught me what love was and is."

He shakes his head, "you knew it all along. I just pushed it forward." 

"You're... okay... with all this, right? With the therapy and the pills? You kinda just got thrust into it, no one asked what you thought."

Danny pauses, thinking about how it made him feel. Even though it doesn't like it, therapy is helping him, just at a much slower pace than he'd like. He has no idea if the pills are working or not. "I'm not really sure if it's working. It's been, what? Two weeks, and nothing so far."

"These things take time, Danny. It's not like a meal where it's perfect in an hour. You have to have patience, because it takes time."

"Time! Who has time?"

Linda can tell he's getting upset and frustrated, so she takes the pencil from his hand. "I think that's enough for tonight. But you're going to work more on that list throughout the week."

************

"But I don't understand," Jamie follows his Mom around the kitchen. 

"Some things are better left unsaid and left at that," Mary puts the plates back in the cabinet. 

"But why?"

"Jamie, sometimes people don't want to talk about what's bothering them."

"But it's bigger than that, Mom! How am I supposed to just accept the fact that my older brother is suicidal?"

Mary sighs. How do you explain something as dark as suicide to a sixteen year old boy? "We accept it by acknowledging that Danny needs help, and we help however and whenever we can."

Jamie is not at all satisfied with that answer. "I agree with Linda. Why is everyone taking this so lightly? Shouldn't we be doing something to help? Shouldn't we be telling him it's not right?"

"It doesn't work that way, Jamie."

"Then how the hell does it work?!" He raises his voice, angry at the situation. 

"Don't raise your voice at me," Mary scolds. "Sit down."

Jamie reluctantly complies. "Sorry," he says quietly, figuring he's in trouble. 

"It's okay. You're upset, and that's understandable. We can't tell Danny how he's feeling isn't right."

"Why not?"

"Because that'll only amplify his feelings. You saw how he reacted when Jack asked him about the therapy."

"Jack's an ass," Jamie mumbles under his breath. "Sorry."

"Erin has supposedly talked to Jack about that. You have to have patience with your brother, because he isn't going to feel okay just by snapping his fingers and wishing for normality. It takes time."

Jamie nods, understanding most of the situation. "But how does one become suicidal?"

"That is... a very complicated answer. I can't really explain why it happens."

"Oh."

"I think it's about time for you to finish that science homework."

Jamie groans slightly, but stands up anyways. He isn't happy with any of those answers. While searching through the multiple books checked out from the library, Jamie stops. "I'll talk to Brie. Yeah, she'll know the answer!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapter. The rest should be like the others (about 1,010 words)


	13. A Brother’s Love

Jamie chews his lip as he makes the left turn on his bicycle into the city. He probably shouldn't be doing this, but he needs answers; answers that no one will give him. 

"It's complicated," they tell him. 

"You don't need to worry about it."

"It's grown up stuff. It'll be fine."

But it's not fine. It will never be fine, which is why he's riding into the city in the first place. He makes another turn until he comes to a very tall building. Letting out a low whistle, he guides his bike to the bike rack and chains it appropriately. 

Jamie walks into the building, and is impressed by how fancy it looks. It looks like the Ritz or the Carlton. (Or at least, he assumes that's what those fancy hotels look like. He's never seen them). 

"Um, excuse me."

The person at the front desk looks up. "Yes?" He has a mustache and speaks with an accent Jamie can't quite identify. 

"Hi. I'm looking for a Dr. Brie Riley?"

"Take the elevator to the seventh floor, and make a right at the reception desk."

"Thank you." He rides the elevator to the seventh floor and then is met by the secretary. He smiles and greets her politely, then gets down to business. He points to his right, "is this Dr. Riley's office?"

"You look a little young to be a patient of hers."

"I'm older than I look," he lies. "May I go in?"

She presses the buzzer, "Brie, there's someone here to see you?"

"Who?" Brie's voice filters through the intercom. 

"I don't know. A nice boy who says he's a patient?"

There's silence for a moment, then Brie's voice once again. "Send him in."

Jamie walks to the door and pushes it open. The office is chic and big, and reminds him of Robin's Nest from Magnum, PI. "Hi."

"Hello. And who might you be?"

"Jameson Parker Reagan."

"Well, Jameson Parker Reagan, what brings you by?"

"My brother- Danny- he comes here. I want some answers."

"What kind of answers?"

Jamie points to the table next to a chair. "Can I sit?"

"Be my guest."

"I want to know a few things," he pulls the stool closer to Brie's desk and takes a seat. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is my brother suicidal?"

"That's a complicated answer, Jamie-"

"Everyone keeps telling me that. 'You're too young. It's too complicated. You wouldn't understand'. But I'm sixteen now! This makes me an adult by New York law. I can drive, I'm no longer eligible for juvie, and I have a part time job. So what's wrong with my brother?"

"Nothing is wrong with Danny. While discussing suicidal tendencies, we don't use the term 'wrong'. It suggests that what they're feeling and going through isn't a normal reaction to something traumatic."

"So you think this is cause of trauma?"

"I do. Jamie," Brie stands up and starts pacing a little. "Suicide is tricky, and there is never one universal answer to why suicidal thoughts happen. It could be that the person was held in a prison of war camp. It could be they lost a child, or their spouse. It could be they witnessed a shooting or a murder. There is no one answer to why someone is suicidal."

Jamie furrows his brow. That isn't exactly the answer he wants. "So what's causing Danny's?"

"I'm not at liberty to say."

"Why not?"

"Doctor-patient confidentiality. I can only tell Danny, Linda, and another psychologist is Danny allows."

"So how come you can tell Linda, but not me?"

"Danny's given me permission to tell Linda what goes on during his sessions," Brie leans against her desk and crosses her arms. "I can't tell anyone without my patient's permission to do so."

"But I still don't really understand-"

"Jamie- can I call you Jamie?"

"Yeah."

"Jamie, I suggest you talk to your brother. See what he has to say."

He sighs, "fine. But he won't tell me anything. He never does."

"Trying and not succeeding is better than sitting on your cowardly ass."

"Fine. I'll try," he stands up, "thanks anyways."

"No problem."

**********

"Where on earth have you been?!" Mary almost yells at Jamie as he walks through the kitchen screen door. 

"I was just riding my bike." 

"To where?"

Jamie looks at the island. Danny and Linda are sitting together, snapping beans and peeling carrots. "Why are Danny and Linda here?"

"Never mind them. Where were you?"

Jamie sighs; it's better to tell the truth and get in some trouble, then lie and get in bigger trouble (a lesson he learned from his oldest brother). He hangs his head, "I went to see Dr. Riley."

Danny and Linda look up from the vegetables. They give each other the same questioning look.

"You went into the city without telling me." Mary raised an eyebrow. 

"I'm sorry, Mom, but I needed answers! And no one would tell me."

"Why'd you go to Brie?" Linda asks, forgetting it's not her place to wonder why. She had every right to wonder, but she shouldn't but in on the conversation. 

"Because she was the only one who would tell me why Danny's sui- why he's thinking those things!"

"What did she tell you?" Danny wonders. Why can't his private life be kept private? Why does everyone have to pry and poke and prod? Why can't he just be left alone?

"She told me the answer is complicated, those thoughts come from trauma, she can't tell me more than that, and that I should talk to you about this."

Danny shakes his head, focusing on the green beans again. "You don't need to know."

"Yes, I do, dammit!" Jamie nearly yells. Close to tears, he states, "I don't want you dying!" 

"I'm not gonna die, Jamie," Danny says convincingly. "Hey, come here."

Jamie walks to the other side of the island, sniffling. 

"I won't die, okay?" He rubs his arm. 

"Then why try?"

"Cause I'm f***ed up."

"Language," Mary and Linda scold simultaneously.

"But why are messed up?"

"I don't know. I suppose that's why Brie's helping me. To figure out why."

"And when you figure out why?"

"Uh," Danny looks behind him to Linda. 

She places her hand on his shoulder and the other one on his arm. "Once they figure out why, and what's causing the thoughts and feelings, Brie will help Danny to turn the signals off. So when he starts thinking about those things, or starts thinking he's worthless, he'll just change the channel in his brain."

"That seems easy," Jamie says, calming down and understanding a little more.

"Things that seem the easiest are most often the hardest. But with time, Danny will get better."

"I need you to do something's for me," Danny tells Jamie, tugging slightly at the zip up hoodie the young Reagan is wearing. 

"Yeah, anything." Jamie nods. 

"I need you to do three things. One, not to worry too much. You're sixteen- you're supposed to be carefree and innocent, and only have to worry about your grades. Two, you need to know that some days are worse than others. Today, I'm doing pretty good. But yesterday was a bad day. You need to be patient, okay?"

Jamie nods, "yes, Danny."

"And third," Danny pauses for a little while. "Third.... I'd really appreciate your support, little brother. I know we don't always get along, but it'd really help if you were fine with the process of me getting better."

"Of course!" Without hesitation, Jamie hugs Danny. "I love you, brother."

Danny hugs him back, "I love you, too, kid." He ruffles his brother's hair, "now stop worrying."

"I'll try." Jamie walks away, out of the kitchen. 

Linda presses her lips to Danny's cheek. "That was very brave of you to ask Jamie for support. I'm proud of you."

"I am, too," Mary says, walking over to her son. She hugs him, "Jamie and I will support you all the way. And so will the rest of the family. They'll come around, you'll see.”


	14. A Fantastic Actor

"'I was starting to think that family was kind of a big crock. Family's supposed to support you, help you, pick you up. Only Linda had done that. Nobody else did, nobody else thought to curve the comments and conversations to a topic that wouldn't get me upset. Mom and Linda tried, but no one listens to Linda. She's so kind and literally the sweetest, most gentle person I know, and everyone sort of blows her off. Jack goes so far as to call her "just the wife". 

'Mom and Jamie did apologize to me, they're trying to do better. No one really listens to Mom and Linda when they tried to keep the conversations light. But then Jamie decides to go to Brie to ask about suicide, and how to understand it. No one would tell him, so he went to Brie. Mom was pretty pissed he went into the city without her permission. He says he needed to see Brie so he could understand cause no one was telling him. He started crying and told me he didn't want me dead. I asked him for support, and he didn't hesitate to agree. He hugged me and told me he loved me. I told him I loved him, too.... I guess the rugrat's not so bad'."

Brie smiles, putting her hand over her heart. "That warms my heart."

"There's more." Danny points to the notebook. 

"Excellent! Continue."

" 'Linda tells me almost every night before we got to bed that she's proud of me and that she loves me. A few times this week, I didn't really believe her. Those nights, the nightmares were worse than usual. Linda is so patient, I don't understand. Only three times has she lost the patience and yelled, walking away. Someone like Linda makes you wonder if angels really do walk the earth, because no human being in the world could put up with a crack head like me. My family doesn't even put up with me, not really. If I do something shitty, I get a lecture about it, and I'm forced to own up to it. If Erin does something shitty, she doesn't get to own up to it. She just gets to live. I suppose I'm ranting now, going in circles. So I'll just leave with one thought: I'm really lucky to have met Linda in the school nurse's office after Jimmy beamed her with a baseball. If Jimmy and I hadn't been so stupid that day, I may have never met my beautiful Angel'."

"I did not need to cry at four in the afternoon. Danny!" Brie smiles widely again, wiping the few tears that escape. "That was great. That was so sweet. With Jamie, and Linda... That's exactly what I want from you. I want all your thoughts written down, whether they're cohesive or not. That was very good, I'm so proud of you!"

Danny ducks his head, he hates embarrassing praise. "Yeah, well..." 

"Don't you see? We've made fantastic progress!"

"Good," Danny nods, almost as if he didn't care about the progress he has made. 

"So it seems to me, at this point, what you need most is acceptance. Or rather, your family's support. Baby steps, Danny. Baby steps."

"Baby steps are boring and take too long. I'd rather take a leap and get exactly where I need to go."

"Therapy doesn't work that way. It's one step at a time, one breath at a time. If you take one step closer to your goal every day, that's good. If you take eight steps a day, that's even better." 

Danny nods, not believing her. He may be a rotten liar, but he's a fantastic actor. How else can Linda and Brie think he's doing fine when he really isn't? He's tricked them into believing he's getting better, just to make them happy. 

It's been about a month since the initial suicide attempt, and things are getting worse. He's not eating (even though he tells Linda he eats late lunches), he's not sleeping, and he feels tired. He's tired of life, tired of living. 

The rest of his session goes by in a blur. He gives Brie the answers she wants, not the ones she needs to hear. He thanks her as always and walks back to his car. Linda is car pooling today, and her little VW Bug is in the shop, so he took the car. 

The ride home is dull, and he doesn't remember it. His head is throbbing, and he briefly thinks about popping too many Tylenol pills. He decides against it, which Brie would classify as "growth" and heads upstairs to maybe get some sleep. 

After thirty minutes of tossing and turning, his head ache intensifying, and his thoughts going wild, he heads downstairs into the kitchen. He grabs his phone and dials a number he knows by heart. 

"Hey, Mom. Listen, Linda's not home and I've got about three hours to kill... how's about I pick up Jamie and grab some pizzas on the way back?" Danny pulls out a pad and pencil as Mary dictates the kind of pizza she, Frank, and Jamie would like. "Yeah, I was planning to pick a pizza or two up for us.... I will.. I love you, too. Bye."

**********

As Danny waits for Jamie's first basketball practice of the season to end, he steps outside the school and calls Linda. Her phone goes to voicemail, "ugh...." He then calls the nurse's station where a friendly nurse picks up. 

"ER, this is Helen. What's your emergency?"

"I don't have an emergency. Can you get Linda Reagan?"

"She's with a patient right now, but I can take a message."

"Tell her that I'm picking up Jamie and pizza, dropping them off at Mom and Dad's, and bringing pizza for ourselves. Tell her I'll be waiting for her when she comes home."

"Okay. Anything else?"

Danny pauses for a few moments, "tell her I love her."

Helen smiles as she writes the last sentence down. "And who's calling please?"

"Danny."

"Anything else, Danny?"

"No. Yes! Tell her to charge her damn phone."

"Yessir. I'll make sure she gets this."

"Thank you."

*************

When Linda comes home, she eats two slices of pizza, then heads upstairs to their bedroom. She finds Danny in bed, actually reading a book. "Hi, honey."

"Hey." He licks his lips as he watches her strip then slip into her pajamas.

"How was your day?"

"Okay. Brie was happy with the things I wrote." He decides to tell her the good parts of the day, instead of that hour and a half where he had planned another way out of the world. 

"Good! I'm glad. I think you did very well with that."

"Thank you."

Linda pulls the covers back as she continues to speak, "I got your message. I'm sorry my phone died again. I guess I forgot to charge it."

"We need to talk about that," he gently pulls her down to the bed, where they both gets comfy. "Linda, that phone is not cheap. And if you keep letting it die, it'll either need a new battery or need to be replaced, and we can't exactly afford any of those."

Linda nodded, "I'm sorry, Danny. I'll remember it, I will." She lays her head against his shoulder, "Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"You want a baby, a kid, don't you?"

"Yes," he responds slowly. Is she pregnant? It wouldn't surprise him, considering how much they've had sex recently. 

"I'm not pregnant, not yet anyway.... but how are we gonna be able to have kids if we can hardly afford to get a phone battery? This townhouse is okay for just the two of us, but what'll happen when a baby comes along? And then another?"

"Well... maybe we'll have one baby, and when he's older, we'll move to a real house. Then we can think about another baby."

"A house here in Staten Island?"

"Sure."

Linda smiles, satisfied. "I guess all we can do is play it by ear. Maybe y- no, never mind. It's a silly idea."

Danny wants to ask about the idea, they way she says it tells him to leave it be. "Let's not think about those things yet. We'll cross that bridge when we get there."


	15. Revelations All Around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A headcanon comes into play in this chapter. I want to preface this with: I hate Jack Boyle. I do. Something about him doesn’t sit right with me. 
> 
> And I needed a reason for Danny & Linda to hate him so much, so I made one up. 
> 
> Trigger warning for mentions of sexual abuse and war flashbacks. These parts of the story aren’t really graphic, in fact, not graphic at all. But if it bothers you, please tread lightly

It's stupid, it really is. It's said behind his back; a stupid little comment he isn't supposed to hear... but he does. He hears it loud and clear, and it destroys him. 

"Frank," Mary sounds upset, "don't you get it? You can't just snap your fingers, and yay! Everything's okay!. It takes time."

"If he wanted to get better, he would've by now."

"Oh, is that how it works? I see. So Betty decided to die? She didn't want to get better, so she decided to die?"

"I didn't say that, Mary."

"But you sure implied it! I can't believe you don't want to help your own son!"

"He's psychotic!" Frank taps his temple, "a whacko!"

"I don't believe you!"

That's how it all happened. That's why he feels terrible and unwanted and unloved. His own father thinks he's psychotic. He truly wanted understanding from the old man, but instead he gets insults. 

***********

He remembers that day all too well.....

Dry. Desolate. Lonely. Cold. Nobody really knows the dessert is cold, everyone knows hot and miserable. But the nights are worse than the days. At night, the idea of being attacked is much scarier than it is in the daytime. Maybe because you can see in the day, and you know it will be coming. But at night...

He remembers the amber glow of the fire, the deafening explosion, the clouds of dirt and dust, the fear of not knowing any outcome. He knew the outcome, he knew right away, he just didn't want to believe. 

**********

Linda walks down the stairs with the laundry from the en-suite hamper. She's softly singing Sinatra's Witchcraft as she heads towards the laundry room. She smiles as she sees Danny in the kitchen, "Hi, honey."

He doesn't answer her, just stands completely still, almost as if he's looking for something with his eyes. 

"Honey?" She tilts her head when she gets no answer again. "Danny?" She feels her heart start to race. "Sweetheart?" 

What did Brie say about flashbacks? Linda stands next to the counter, far enough away to supposedly not get hurt. She isn't exactly sure about that little clause, as someone could develop super speed or something like that. 

As a wife, all she wants to do is hug him and touch him and kiss him. Stupid no-touching rule. As a nurse and psychology minor, she knows she needs to let it play out. She can almost pinpoint when he comes back to the present. 

Danny looks to Linda; what the hell is she doing in Fallujah? Why the hell does Fallujah look like his kitchen? "Linda?"

"Yeah, honey, I'm here." She cautiously steps up to him. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Danny sighs and practically collapses into the counter. The air is knocked out of him temporarily. He sinks to the floor and Linda follows him. 

"Honey?" She puts a hesitant hand on his arm. "Did you have a flashback?"

Danny nods, his head in his hands. "Yeah. It was... oh, shit."

Linda watches him breakdown so quickly, and all she wants to do is wrap him in a warm blanket and keep him safe. She moves in front of him, so he can see her. "Danny, it's okay. It's fine. You're safe now, you're okay. It's okay; you're here, I'm here. You're safe. It's alright, baby." She moves closer, her legs on either side of his. She hugs him tightly, trying not to cry for him. 

Danny cries into her shoulder. Everything is going to hell, and he can't stop it. (Brie would tell him he can stop it, but he doesn't believe her anymore). He clings tightly to Linda's plaid shirt, his tears staining the fabric. He wants to stop, but he can't; he wants to pluck her away from his lap, but she has a certain gravity- a magnetic field that’s a little too strong, that always pulls him to her. 

Linda turns her head so she can kiss Danny's forehead. She rubs his back as the sobs start to slow down, softly telling him it will be okay. 

*********

Two days later, his father's words are still in his head, swirling around and around and around. At the end of the day, he heads home, wanting nothing more than a tall bottle of whiskey to knock him out for the night.

Danny parks his car on the street and slams the door before he rounds the vehicle. He walks up the pathway and into the living area of the house, not expecting a thing to happen. 

"Stop," he hears Linda's voice. It's raw and scared, like she has been crying for some time. 

"Linda?"

"He's home now.... stop!"

With a pounding heart, Danny runs into the kitchen, where he sees something he never wishes to see again. Right in front of his eyes, he's sees Linda in disheveled clothes, and Jack Boyle with his hand down her pants. Acting purely on rage and instinct, Danny storms to the corner where Linda and that monster are standing. Despite being a good four inches shorter than Jack, Danny yanks him away from his wife. 

"Calm down, man! She's practically asking for it! She has been ever since college!"

"I have not!" Linda's yell is high pitched and almost hysterical. Quietly, as she sinks to the floor, she repeats, "I have not."

Danny quickly punches Jack in the nose, catching him off guard. The fight is not at all fair- Jack probably hasn't ever been in a fight in all of his cushy life, where as Danny's been fighting since he was four years old. On top of all the experience, the detective is also skilled in hand combat from the academy and the military. It's only a matter of minutes until Danny beats Jack to a pulp. 

He picks him up and throws him out the back door. Standing over his limp body, Danny growls, "stay the f*** away from my wife!" With one last kick between Jack's legs, he leaves him in the softly falling snow that just started. 

Danny slams the back door behind him, but immediately regrets it when Linda screams. "It's me, it's me."

She scrambles over to him, and is glad he meets her on the floor. She's sobbing uncontrollably, clinging to his jacket. It takes Danny almost an hour to calm her down, and he is about ready to call an ambulance for her. 

"No, no," Linda sounds weak and tired. "He didn't- he never had... sex with me."

"Never had? Linda... has this been going on for a while?"

She hides her head in his chest as she nods vigorously. She can practically feel the seething anger radiating from her husband. 

"How long?" When Linda doesn't answer, he presses harder. "How long?"

"..... since college."

"What?!"

"Don't be mad! I didn't want it! I told him to stop, I told the Dean, but no one but Brie believed me!"

"Slow down," he shifts so he can look her in the eye. "What happened? How did it start?"

Linda swallows thickly, "Brie took me to a frat party a few weeks after you proposed. I didn't want to go, but she wanted me to cheer up..... Jack and another guy- LaRue, they grabbed me and took me to the garden shed behind the house..... they... took turns fin- fingering me, and- and kiss- kissing me on..... down, down... there."

"I'm gonna kill that bastard!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgot to mention the flashback scene is requested by ancilla89
> 
> Please don’t be shy, guys! If you have a request for this story (or any of my stories) just leave a comment! I will try to get to it in a decent amount of time


	16. I Get More Angry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so more of Jack hurting Linda in this chapter. This’ll be the last of it, though, and again, not very graphic. But as always, if this sorta thing bugs/triggers you, please tread carefully

"You threatened to beat him with a shovel," Brie says slowly the next time she sees Danny. 

"He was assaulting my wife! Not only does he have to violate her, oh no. No, he has to mentally abuse her too! Anybody who hurts her is just asking for a death wish!"

"You still threatened to beat him with a shovel!" They have been going around this same circle for thirty minutes. Brie tells him it's wrong to get angry like that, Danny tells her how his anger is completely in check, she tells him how he could be charged for assault, and he tells her how he is just protecting his wife. 

"I don't care! He is hurting Linda, and if I hadn't caught him in the middle of it, it may have gone on forever!"

"Why didn't Linda tell you?" Brie knows about the assault in college. She still blames herself for it- if she hadn't forced Linda to come, none of this would've happened. 

"She said if she told me, Jack would find out and kill me, divorce Erin, and take her as his sex slave."

"Sounds like he needs the therapy...."

"He needs to rot in jail."

"What happened after you beat him up, and Linda told you what had been happening?"

"She wanted to take a bath, to wash off any remnants of Jack. I told her if we went to the hospital and requested a rape kit, we could send Jack to jail. She said she just wanted him to stop. If he was in jail, he'd stop." Danny grumps, finally sitting on the couch. 

"But she took the bath instead?"

"Yeah. I didn't really trust her alone in there... she used to cut herself in high school, y'know."

"College, too. I helped her stop. You did too.... so you were there with her?"

"Yeah. We took a bath, then she cried herself to sleep, and kept waking up with nightmares."

"How does all this make you feel?" Brie probably should anticipate what's coming next. 

"Dammit, Doc! How the hell do you think it makes me feel?"

"Stupid question," Brie shrugs. "Listen, Danny, I'm sorry that Linda's been dealt a bad lot in life, but she has you. And your family. Be with your wife, tell her that you still love her, even after what that bastard did."

"Is the session over?"

"Yes, but if you go and beat Jack with a shovel..." she lets her sentence hang.

Danny doesn't respond as he walks out of the office. He hated Jack before, but now? Now he doesn't even want to think about that rapist, much less be in the same room as him. How could he do that?

**********

For a few days, Danny has forgotten about his father's rude remark. He's too busy trying not to kill that ass and trying to help Linda see none of it is her fault. It's hard, though, cause Jack had her thinking she wanted it, that she always asked for it. 

Danny doesn't like the thought of Linda home alone right now, in fear that she'd do something she'd regret, or that Jack would show his face to her again. He looks at the clock- five minutes till quitting time. He just wants to be with his wife, it'll make them both feel better to be with each other. 

**********

Linda answers the doorbell, and peers out onto the front step. When she sees who it is, she slams the door shut, but he puts his foot in the way.

"I just want to talk," Jack says innocently. 

"You can talk through the door, or a phone. But not in my house." Linda tries to close the door, but Jack pushes his way in, knocking her to the floor. She quickly stands before Jack can offer to help her. "I want you out of my house."

"Relax, Lins, I just have a question."

She silently seethes, she hates that nickname. "What?"

"How long is Danny gonna be cuckoo?"

"Cuckoo?" Linda repeats, almost angrily. 

"You heard the question."

"He is not cuckoo! How insensitive do you have to be to call someone, who is really struggling, cuckoo?!"

"Don't you agree with me?"

"Hell no! I can't believe you! All of you, every last one! You guys are doing absolutely nothing to help Danny!"

"Neither are you."

"Excuse me? I'm doing all I can to help that poor soul!"

"No you're not. You're just convincing yourself you are. But you're not. Your thoughts are just like ours: what's it going to take for him to go complete ape shit and finally die?"

Linda raises her hand and slaps his cheek. "Out! Get out of my house!"

Jack pushes Linda's hair away from her face, making her immediately stiffen. "You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do." She raises her hand again, but he grabs her wrist. She tries to break free, but his grip is too strong. 

"You agree with us, you know you do. You think your husband is absolutely bananas."

Linda knees Jack in the groin, getting away for a few moments. She's halfway up the stairs when she feels arms around her waist. She starts kicking, trying to throw Jack off balance. "Get away from me!" When Jack's hand moves between her legs, she screams loudly. 

Unknown to the occupants of the house, Danny has been standing outside the door for the entire conversation. He's angry at Jack for coming into his house, and angrier at the things he said. The detective's plan to wait out the conversation goes out the window when he hears his wife scream. 

When Danny enters the house, Jack is hovering over Linda who's pinned to the couch. Without saying a word, he lifts Jack off of his Linda, and throws the lawyer into the street. He runs out after him, threatening him. "Stay away from my wife, or I swear I will f***ing kill you."

Linda runs to Danny once he enters the house again. She immediately is hugged tightly, "I tried to stop him, I really did! I didn't even let him in the house, but he forced his way in."

"It's okay, it's okay," he rocks her gently, stroking her hair and kissing her head. "Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Linda shakes her head against Danny, burrowing her face in his neck. Her voice is muffled when she says, "I never want to see that monster again."

Danny picks her up and walks to the couch. He holds her tightly as they sit in silence for a long time. He's never going to let Linda be alone with Jack ever again. 

He kisses her head again, "I love you." He's not sure where that comes from, but he's pretty sure she needs to here it.

"I love you too." Linda lifts her head, "never forget that, okay? I love you. I always have, and I always will." 

He only holds her tighter, Jack's and Frank's words spinning around his brain. For the rest of the evening and into the night time, those words will spin and twist and choke until he finally has enough of them.


	17. You’re A Psychologist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is why I’ve amped this up to a Mature rating.
> 
> SUICIDE HELPLINE: 800-273-8255. PLEASE CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU’RE SUICIDAL AND ARE ABOUT TO END YOUR LIFE. IT’S NOT WORTH IT, YOUR LIFE IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR. YOU ARE LOVED AND CHERISHED!!!

Linda paces the hallway of the mental ward at the hospital. How dare they not let her in? Don't they know that it'll be so much easier to talk to him if she's there too? Don't they know how much she wants to see him, to make sure he really is okay? Her mind is racing in a thousand and one directions, and she feels dizzy. Cops are outside the door, and for once, she's glad she and Danny don't have kids yet. It'd be hard to explain, and they'd be scared, and...

Linda puts a hand on her head, trying to calm the dizziness and nausea. She's only a little comforted by the voice calling her name. 

"Linda!"

"Brie!"

Brie brings Linda into a hug, holding her best friend. She should've been more careful, or more persistent, or more annoying. More something!

"Brie, Brie," Linda pulls back, and she's shaking now. "Brie, they won't let me in. They don't believe me that they'll make so much more process if I'm in there with him. I feel-" she puts her fingers over her lips, letting out a shaky breath. "I feel like if I'm not there- he's going to hurt himself further."

"Who's in there now?"

"Dr. Jones, just a normal trauma doctor, and Dr. Amsterdam, the hospital psychologist. There's security outside his door, and they won't let me in."

"Okay, calm down." Brie sighs, thinking of what to do. "Okay. I've got a plan.... raise your right hand and repeat after me: I'm a psychologist."

Linda obeys, "I'm a psychologist."

Brie taps her shoulder, "you're a psychologist. Follow me."

Linda follows Brie to the front of the door. The cop in front of it is easily six foot six, and looks hellbent on protecting the Commissioner's grandson. 

"'Scuse me. We need to get in." Brie says firmly. 

"Sorry, miss. But unless you're a doctor, I can't let you in."

Brie reaches into her pocket and reveals her work badge. "I'm this patient's psychologist. Without my information, the doctors won't know what they're dealing with."

The cop looks at the ID. "You're a twenty six year old psychologist?"

"Sure! Started studying while I was seventeen. Got my license last year."

"Who's your friend?" He points to the blonde behind the doctor. 

"Linda O'Shea." Linda speaks up, "She's my mentor."

"You two look exactly the same age."

"We can either argue semantics and let that patient in there go completely psychotic, and break the poor Commissioner's heart.... or you could let us in, and keep the Commissioner happy."

The cop hands Brie her badge, "fine. But if I find out you're not on the level, you'll be arrested." He opens the door for them. 

As Brie walks by, she states monotonously, "wouldn't be the first time." 

"You've been arrested before?"

"By Sandy." She turns to her friend, "come on. Don't tell me you haven't used Danny's handcuffs for other... more fun activities."

"Not yet," Linda cocks an eyebrow, a devious smile on her face.

"Who let you two in?" Dr. Amsterdam practically growls.

"I'm Dr. Brie Riley, Detective Reagan's psychologist. Without me, you won't know a thing."

"And the cute blonde?" Dr. Jones points to Linda. 

"Why, Dr. Jones, you know me! I'm Linda Reagan. I work under you in trauma."

"Oh, right. Why are you here?"

"Without me, that man's mental stability is going to go down the crapper." 

"Linda?"

Linda pushes past the doctors and walks to Danny's bed. She grabs his hand, "hi, sweetie." Trailing her fingers along his forehead, she states, "you're okay."

"What happened? Where am I? This isn't a normal hospital room. Where am I?" Danny asks quickly, starting to feel a panic set over him. 

Linda immediately picks up the quickening heart beat on the monitor. "Danny, honey, I need you to calm down. Okay? Can you do that for me?" She sits on the edge of the bed, ignoring Dr. Jones and Dr. Amsterdam. 

Danny nods, wary of the situation. He looks skeptically at the older doctors who are quietly talking about something. 

Linda looks behind her, "don't worry about them, baby. Just focus on me."

"What happened?"

"You don't know?"

He shakes his head again. He doesn't like it here- it's too bright and too white and too sterile. He can feel those walls closing in again, and he tries desperately to breathe normally. 

"Miss, I really think you need to go," Dr. Amsterdam starts, reaching out to touch Linda's shoulder. 

"I'm staying put," she replies stubbornly. 

"Yes, but only doctors are allowed in here, and there's no way this young thing is a doctor!" He points to Brie who only raises an eyebrow, as if daring him to continue. 

"I'm staying here, Dr. Hoover Dam."

"Amsterdam," he corrects angrily. 

"Whatever."

"Miss-"

"Listen!" Linda stands up, getting in Dr. Amsterdam's personal space. "I don't give a flying f*** if you want me out. I'm staying here."

"Don't leave me," Danny cries from the bed. Why are they taking Linda away from him? Don't they know he needs her? And she him?

"I won't," Linda whirls around to the bed. She grabs his hand, noting how cold his finger tips are. "I'll never ever ever leave you. You hear? Never ever!"

Brie strides up to Dr. Amsterdam with her arms crossed. "I think you need to go."

"I'm the active psychologist!"

"And you're actively stressing my patient out. He already has high blood pressure- you don't need to cause it to go through the roof."

"But- but-"

"Leave."

"Miss, I don't think-" Dr. Jones starts to say, only to have Brie interrupt him. 

"It's Doctor, and if you don't think, you shouldn't talk! Now I think it's time for you two to go- may patient must get his sleep!"

Before either doctor knows what's happening, Brie shoves them out the door. Once the door closes behind her, she wipes her hands together as if she's brushing off dirt. "Finally. Peace and quiet."

"Linda," Danny looks at her with fearful eyes, making her want to cry out loud. She hopes he hasn't noticed she had been crying almost to the point of hysteria. "Linda, what happened? Why are you wearing this coat?" He tugs at the nice pea coat, "aren't you cold? Where're your pants?"

Linda looks down at her bare legs. She had forgotten what she's wearing. "What do you remember?"

"We were watching tv, and you said you had something for me. You left, I went to the kitchen, then the next thing I know, I'm here. Where's here? What is this place?"

"It's, um," Linda licks her lip, looking away from her husband. She can't bear that look of fear on his face. "It's the... psych ward."

"The psych ward?"

"Yes, um... you- you... you OD-ed."


	18. Keep Your Life, Son

"Huh?"

"Um..." how can she tell him he tried to kill himself? Should she even tell him? "You, uh... you acc- accidentally took too many of your... your... pills. It- it was my fault. I didn't dispense them, and-"

"How do you know I overdosed?"

"I, um..." the tears Linda has tried so desperately to keep inside spill out in bucket loads. "I found you."

"You mean it didn't-" he stops himself from saying 'didn't work', and just looks at Linda forlornly. 

"It didn't what, Danny?" Brie steps up to his bed. She and Linda both know what he was trying to do. 

"Didn't kill me." 

"Linda did CPR on you. She got you breathing again." Brie frowns when she hears how Linda is breathing. "My word, Linda, calm down."

Linda backs away from the bed and sinks into a chair. She closes her eyes and puts a hand over her nose and mouth. Why does this happen? Why does Danny want to kill himself? Doesn't he love her anymore? Doesn't he love his family? Why doesn't he want to be with her anymore? "It's all my fault," she shakes her head, curling further into the hard plastic chair. 

"Linda," even though he's still living when he doesn't want to be, Danny is still concerned about Linda. He will always be concerned about her; he turns to swing his legs over the bed, but he's stuck. 

Over her cries, Linda hears metal clink. She slowly stands and makes her way over to the bed, as if something sinister is hiding beneath the covers. She peels the bottom of the blanket off the bed, and is shocked to see Danny's foot cuffed to the bed. "He's handcuffed! Why? That's not right! They have no right to do that!"

"Linda, yes, they do," Brie says calmly. She probably should've warned Linda about this. 

"No they don't!"

"Danny could hurt himself further if this precaution isn't taken!"

"But- but- it's... it's unethical!"

"Linda," Brie puts her hands on her friend's shoulders and pushes her towards the door. "He has to be cuffed to the bed."

"No he doesn't!"

"Fine. Fine! You can unlock the cuffs. Go ahead, unlock them!Then he'll be here, by himself, with various objects to use to commit suicide. An air bubble in the IV? No problem. Then he'll be dead, and you'll be a widow. And when you walk down the streets in your ratty old clothes, people will laugh and point and say 'there goes that crazy ol' Linda Reagan, the widow who's husband killed himself'. And you'll be alone the rest of your days, and you'll be depressed because you caused the suicide. And you'll eat and eat and eat, and blow up like a barn, and people will say 'there goes fat ol' Linda, who used to be a beautiful blonde, but now she's just fat and no longer beautiful'."

"That's a very specific consequence," Linda says with a tone Brie can't quite place. 

"Yes, it is. And it'll happen too! But if you leave the cuffs on, you'll save his life for a second time."

Linda wipes the dried tears from her cheeks and eyes. She rubs her eyes fiercely, getting rid of the dry buildup in the corners and creases. She walks back over to Danny and holds his hand. "I'm sorry." She says quietly, closing her eyes. 

He doesn't know what to say. The pills should've worked! He had it planned down to the last detail. Everything would've been perfect if he had just slipped onto a never-wakening sleep. Why couldn't he just die?

"What pushed you over the edge?" Brie wonders, "what was it that made you feel you really had to end it all?"

Danny looks to Linda. He doesn't want to say it in front of her, but after that brilliant con she pulled on the guard and doctors, he knows she's not moving. "Jack and Dad. Things they said. Things they did.” 

Brie isn't going to ask what they said, in fear of having another attempt later on. "Okay. That wasn't right of them. It wasn't nice. I'll talk to them." 

"Lemme do it first?" Linda looks up at Brie. "Please."

"Okay... I'm going to talk to the doctor, sit tight." Brie leaves the couple behind. 

"Are you cold?" Danny just notices Linda's bare legs and black high heels. He figures she grabbed the first shoes she saw. "What're you wearing under that coat anyways?"

"Oh, um," Linda unbuttons the long coat, slides it off her arms, and tosses it to the chair. She reveals pink satin lingerie that barely covers anything. The bra has no cups or support, only the outer seams; a satin bow sits on each nipple, shielding them from the world. She has a matching satin garter belt with the adjustable straps dangling at her thighs (she knows how much Danny likes it when she wears her garter). She is also wearing a matching skirt that just covers her womanhood, but rises high in the back. She has no underwear on except the small G-string attached to the skirt. 

"I was gonna surprise you, y'know? Make you feel better and forget what's happened the last few days. Guess it didn't work out, huh?"

"Where the hell did you get that?"

"Wendy sent it to me. She sends me a new one every three months. She thinks our sex life in nonexistent, despite me previously being pregnant." Linda shakes her head, "stupid girl."

"So you have more at home?"

"Yeah, lots." Linda gets an idea, "and I cannot wait to try them out." She crawls into the bed with Danny, straddling his lap. "So you'll just have to get better for me, or else they'll all go to waste..."

"I hate you. I oughta spank you."

Linda slides off him, making sure to brush against him. "You'll have to get better first."

***********

Half an hour later, Linda is wrapped in her coat (there is no way she's going to show her provocative outfit to the family and complete strangers) as she storms down the hallway to meet the family. All her anger towards Frank and Jack disappear when she sees Mary's face. She stood temporarily, then quickly rubs towards her mother in law who's crying. 

Mary hugs Linda, praying her son is okay. "My- my baby... is- is he-"

"He's alive, he's alive," Linda closes her eyes, swallowing thickly. Now is the time to be brave, and set aside the tears. She needs to be strong for the family.

"Is he okay?" Jamie asks, standing next to his Mom. 

Linda looks to him and breaks away from Mary, bringing Jamie into a hug. "He'll live."


	19. Worried Family

"Because he's been doing a stellar job at that so far," Jack sarcastically mutters under his breath. 

If looks could kill, he would be dead right now. Linda slowly moves away from Jamie, staring at Jack directly in the eye. Furious, she walks to him and stands right in front of him. Without saying a word, or spewing all the insulting names she calls him in her diary, she lands a hard, stinging slap to his face. 

"Wha- you can't do that!" Erin protests, surprised her sweet, gentle sister in law would do such a thing. 

"I just did. The next time any of you make any sort of crack, zing, or joke about Danny and the attempted suicides.... I will end you. Understood?"

"What happened?" Joe steps away from Erin and Jack. He's disappointed in both of them- in Jack for making fun of this situation, and in Erin for almost defending him. 

Linda sighs, how can she tell this story again? "We were watching TV, and I left to change into something more, uh... comfortable? And when I came back downstairs..."

Mary puts an arm around her daughter in law as she takes in a shaky breath. The mother pulls Linda's hair away from her face, which causes the held back tears to fall once again. She leads the blonde to the plastic chairs near by, rubbing her back soothingly. 

"I'll grab some water," Joe offers, giving Linda's shoulder a squeeze before heading down the hall. 

"You found him?" Jamie asks hesitantly, sitting on the other side of Linda. He watches her nod, and he wants to hurl. "But... he was doing so well. He seemed happy when he picked me up from practice. Tired, but happy."

"Jamie, I think it's best if we just stay quiet for a while, okay?" Mary wants to know all the answers as well, but she needs the family to be calm. She can tell Linda's just about fried her mental health all in one night, Jamie's too upset to possibly think about what he will say.... everyone's nerves are on end, and she needs her family to be relatively calm. 

"But-"

Frank puts his hand on Jamie's shoulder, "listen to your mother."

A few minutes pass in agonizing silence, everyone wanting to ask so many questions, and Linda just wanting to make everything right. She wishes she could kiss Danny's problems away, or wish them away, but she knows she can't. She knows he'll have to live with them the rest of his life, which could be very short if no one helps him. 

"Here," Joe walks up to Linda with a water bottle and a blanket. "I got you a blanket- your legs must be cold."

"Thank you," Linda's voice comes out as a hoarse whisper. She doesn't register Joe placing the blanket on her lap; she pulls the blanket tighter around her, almost instinctively.

"Can we see him?" Erin speaks up, twisting the belt on her coat between her fingers. 

"No," she swallows thickly once again, the water cool against her warm throat. 

"And why not?"

"The security Henry placed at the door isn't letting anybody in."

"They let you in."

"I had to lie to get in... said I was I psychologist in training... we can't go in. Besides, I don't think he'll want to see y'all just yet."

"But I'm his sister," Erin argues, thinking Linda will break. 

Linda stands, her blanket falling from her lap, and faces Erin. "And I'm his wife. You're not going in there."

"But-"

"Listen to Linda, sweetie," Mary tries to have peace remain between the family members. "She's been with him this whole time, she'll know what's best."

"I'll tell him you came to see him, and I'll call you during lunchtime. Right now, he needs to sleep... we all need sleep."

"Linda's right," Joe speaks after a long pause of silence. "We'll only worry ourself sick waiting for him here... we'll be better off all together, with Mom and Dad."

"I'll call all of you tomorrow," Linda promises. She's relieved when the family slowly agrees. Each member takes their turn hugging her, but she point blank refuses Jack's hug. He hugs her anyways, his hand slipping up the coat to grab her ass. 

"Let's go, Erin," he turns and holds his hand out for her. She obediently takes it, and bids goodbye, the family following suit. 

Mary turns around, coming to hug Linda once more. She wraps her tightly in her arms, whispering in her ear, "take care of my baby."

"I will. I promise I will."

***********

Danny sighs hours later as Brie tries to get him to talk more about the suicide. He just wants everyone to leave him alone. Why can't they honor that wish? He looks away, suddenly feeling pathetic. "Can you go?"

"Danny, I don't think-"

"Go!" It's more aggressive this time, and he feels like crying. 

Brie sighs, closing her notepad. She doesn't want to leave, but she can tell her patient is shutting down. Silently she stands and collects her things, wishing she could do something. Before exiting the room, Brie quietly says, "I'm glad you're alive, Danny."

He doesn't answer, and waits for the door to close. He hates this; why does he have to be here for three days? Why can't he be in his own home, in his own bed, with his own wife? He hears the door open again, and is angry; why can't everyone just leave him the hell alone?

"Hi, sweetie," it's Linda, and it looks like she's been crying.

"Hi," he answers glumly. 

“I need to get some things today, but I promise I’ll be back to sit with you. I just wanted to tell you before I leave, Andi wanted to see how you're doing since the last time I asked. I wanted to tell you that your Mom and Dad insist that we stay with them, until, um.. until you're feeling better."

"So I'm under house arrest?"

"Not arrest. You need to be with your family, honey-"

"You're my family. Why can't we be at the house?"

"Brie and Dr. What's-his-face both agree that you should be with people you trust... or rather, you need to be with more than one person. Ideally, anyway." Linda stops her ramble, and pats her husband's leg. "You're going to get better. I wish I could stay, but I really do have to get those few things. I'm only a phone call away.” 

She walks to Danny and kisses him sadly, "I'll see you later. I love you ."


	20. The Morning After

Danny almost forgets what had happened when he wakes up a few hours later. He has had a restless sleep (but he never sleeps well in hospitals), and is disappointed Linda isn't in his arms. He supposes he sounds whipped when he says he can't sleep without his wife by his side, but he really doesn't care. He is madly in love with the cheery nurse, and wants to do everything in his power to make sure she loves him back. 

Danny looks away, stares at the barren white walls. Linda won't love him anymore; she has done everything humanly possible to help him, and he hasn't excepted it, or even tried to act grateful. She will be packing her bags now, and leaving, maybe writing a note to him saying goodbye. She won't write a note, though; why would she when she doesn't love him anymore? He should've slipped away into the oblivion, should've taken more pills, should've actually pulled that f***ing trigger. 

At the sound of a groan and a curse coming from his left, he turns his head to see his wife folded in the plastic hospital chair. She is in her clothes now, making him naturally assume she went back to the house for a little while. "What're you doing here?"

Linda pauses her stretches and looks around the room, as if she wants to see if anyone else is there. Sounding surprised, she answers, "you almost died last night! There's no way I'd be anywhere but here!"

"Really?"

Before giving her husband the obvious answer, she studies him. He looks tattered and torn, broken and bruised. Stiffly, she walks over to his bedside and takes his cold hand in her warm hand. "I love you, Danny." 

"But you shouldn't. You shouldn't love someone who's as f***ed up as me."

"Yes I should. Listen," she sits on the bed, "I chose to love you through sickness and health, through good and bad, through shit and rainbows. Through everything come hell or high water! And I am not about to break that promise, not ever. And especially not now, when you need someone on your side." She squeezes his hand lovingly. 

"You shouldn't love me. Why love someone so broken?"

"You're not broken, baby, just bent." 

"But I have to be broken. I have to be wrong."

"You're not wrong. Trust me."

"I'm not wrong?" He sounds like he is about to cry. 

"No, Danny, you're not wrong."

"You must be wrong. I have to be wrong. Psyche me again."

"Danny, I promise there's nothing wrong with you." Linda's steadily growing concerned. Why is he so insistent that something's wrong with him?

"There has to be. It can't be normal for me to feel like this."

"To feel hopeless?... oh. Oh." Linda looks down, wishing she could do something for her husband. 

"I have to be wrong. It's wrong and bad and awful to be like this."

"It... it's not that simple, honey. It never is."

"It has to be! It has to be that simple." He starts to cry, "I'm wrong, and you know it!"

Linda doesn't know what to do; he is right, he is wrong. Suicide is wrong. But she can't tell him that, because he knows that, and he doesn't need to be constantly reminded of it. The best thing to do, she concludes, is to hug him tightly. That's all she can do at the moment, even though she has a million and one thoughts in her head.

**************

"Okay, Danny," Brie says the morning he's due to get out of the hospital. "I talked to that psychiatrist who prescribed your antidepressant, and he wants you to take two doses, instead of one."

Danny doesn't say anything; he is feeling terrible that day, with headaches and stomach aches, he just wants to be left alone. 

"Why didn't he come here himself?" Linda wonders from her chair in the corner. 

"He's on vacation in Kalaniʻōpuʻu, Hawaii."

"Who the hell takes a Hawaiian vacation a week before Christmas?" Linda's face falls. Christmas- she hadn't even thought about it. What will she do? Will she cancel? She doesn't have any shopping done, and the holiday is next week!

"A lot of people," Brie responds. "But that's not important. Danny, Dr. Ivan is also prescribing you and anti-anxiety pill. You're only gonna take one of those. Linda, I need you to take care of every pill in the house. Every pill should be in a locked drawer or cabinet, even if it's something that's no use to him like your hormone supplements. I need you to dispense the pills, or give them to Danny right out of the bottle. Dispensing is preferable. Danny, I need you to take your pills in front of a responsible family member, so I know you're taking them and not throwing them out."

"Oh, what do you know?" Danny interrupts Brie. "You're only twenty six. You can't be a psychologist at the age of twenty six! How many professors did you have to sleep with to get here? Hm? How many? Ten, twelve?"

"Danny!" Linda stands up, and nearly storms to his bed. "You apologize to Brie right now! That was very rude and very uncalled for! Besides me, she's the only person who actually gives a damn! You're her first Major case, so to speak, and she stays up at night, trying to find ways to help you! And if you keep bad mouthing her, and everyone around you, you're gonna end up sad and alone and maybe even dead! And I am not about to let that happen. Now apologize."

Danny looks at Brie; he knows he is in the wrong. While never liking to admit he's wrong, he is always the first person to correct his bad ways and habits. "I'm sorry, Brie. That was rude and uncalled for and I truly apologize."

Brie puts her hand on Danny's shoulder, "it's okay, Danny. You're under a lot of stress and trauma, and most times, people say things they don't mean when stressed."

"Brie, are there any other instructions and precautions we need to know?" Linda wonders, still upset with everything. 

"Yes. You said you were temporarily moving to the family home?"

"Yes."

"I need someone to be with him at all times, someone who's an adult. So while the youngest one... Jamie... is technically an adult by New York law, it needs to be someone like you, or his Mom. I know it probably seems like over kill, but it's what has to be done."

At this point, Danny doesn't really care about all the new rules being put in place. He just wants everything to end. He stops paying attention to the conversation, occasionally nodding his head slightly to make it look like he's participating.


	21. Back Home

Linda wishes they weren't staying at the Reagan home. It's too big and too spacious, easy for Danny to just slip away for a moment and end it all. She wishes they were at their house; the small town house didn't have much room to escape, making it ideal for Danny's situation. 

She holds Danny's hand as they walk out of the hospital together, chewing her lip. What will happen if he has to live with the person who doesn't want to help him? She shakes her head at the thought of her father in law. She honestly expects so much more from him. She intends to have a few words with one Frank Reagan. 

She wishes she could say something to her husband, but what does one say to another when they're being released from the mental ward at the hospital? Linda figures the best she can do is learn how to make things better and just be there for him. "I love you. You know that, right?"

Danny stops and watches her look up at him with such love-filled eyes. He gives her a (weak) smile and slings an arm around her shoulders. "I love you more."

"I love you the most. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to help you through this. I promise I will."

"You already are," he opens the driver's door for her. He wants to drive, but Brie and Linda vehemently insisted that the wife drive. 

"And I'll continue!"

He pecks her lips, a very odd feeling rolling in his stomach. He tells himself to ignore it as he climbs in the passenger side of the car. 

***********

Danny sighs as he stares up at the ceiling in the middle of the night. It's his second night of being "under house arrest", and he's realizing that he's glad his old bed is a queen size. Most nights, he's hot (more than usual tonight), and having Linda snuggled against him would make it almost unbearable. He loves snuggling with Linda, and holding her through the night, but he doesn't deserve her. He doesn't think anyone deserves her; everyday throughout this unknown path, he's more convinced that she's actually an Angel. Who else would put up with his crazy mind? His tattered soul? His... person?

Frustrated with the lack of sleep, intense heat, and loud thoughts, he gets out of bed and grabs the composition notebook off the dresser (Linda is the one who vehemently insisted on bringing it). As he walks through the kitchen, he grabs a pencil and stops at the liquor cabinet. He's not thirsty, and he doesn't exactly want to drink, but a whiskey does sound good. Sighing, he grabs the bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass, and heads to the living room. 

Danny sits on the couch and opens the notebook. Most of the pages are filled with complaints so far, and he's pretty sure another page will have him griping about everything. Without exactly realizing what he's writing, his pen starts scratching across the page. With each new paragraph and each new thought topic, he takes a sip (or a gulp) of the whiskey. In hindsight, it is not a good idea to do that. 

************

Linda isn't surprised Danny's still fast asleep beside her when she wakes up. He has had a stressful few days, still... she softly presses her fingers against his pulse point on his wrist, and sighs as she feels a strong pulse. 

"Good, good." She mutters as she slips out of the bed and quietly grabs her clothes. She feels some comfort being surrounded by family, but she also feels like she and Danny are being burdens and inconveniences. 

"Nonsense!" Mary tells her when she brings it up at breakfast. "You and Danny staying here will never be an inconvenience! Especially not now; we have to do everything we can to help him."

"I'm trying, I really am. But it sorta has to be a fifty-fifty thing, y'know? He has to want to get better, or what we're doing is just wasting energy. And with a broken support system..."

"What about Erin and Joe?"Mary somewhat dances around the subject of her husband. "Have they been helping? I know Henry's been paying your car bills."

Linda smiles, "He's helping pay for the rent, too. He's really sweet for doing that, he certainly didn't have to."

"Yes he did."

"Um.. I don't think Erin really knows how to process this? She's been cooking at least one dinner a week for us, and either staying or dropping it off. And Joe... Joe's been helping pay for the medication. Well, medications now. You guys are really sweet, and I really do appreciate it. A lot."

"Of course, sweetie. You and Danny are family, and we're going to do everything we can to help."

Linda smiles and hugs her mother in law. They embrace each other for a few minutes before Linda sneezes and starts to cry again. "I'm scared."

Mary knows why she's crying, so she rubs her back, "I know, sweetie, I know." 

A few moments later, Frank walks into the kitchen. It's his day off today, so he's stuck at home. He furrows his brow when he sees Linda crying in his wife's arms. "What's wrong, Linda?"

She pulls away from Mary, "like you care." As she storms away from him, she knows that wasn't exactly nice. But he completely deserves any daggers she throws at him. How can he not care about his own son? How can he brush it off so simply? How can he be so cruel and callous? "And he's doing it casually too!" 

She knocks on Jamie's door. "Jamie! It's time to feed the chickens!" She waits a few moments for Jamie to stumble from bed and open the door. 

With cute bed hair, he asks, "what chickens?"

"Come on. Get dressed, I'm taking you to school."

"My brother almost commits suicide and I have to go to school?"

"Sorry, kiddo." She shrugs and walks to Danny's room once again. Kneeling in front of the bed, Linda tells her husband, "hey. Listen, I gotta drive Jamie to school, but I'll be back. I promise."

She caresses his face and kisses his cheek. She ponders if she should wake him, because he won't be able to sleep that night if he sleeps in too long. She ultimately decides against it, and leaves him with another kiss.


	22. Failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooo... there’s a lot in this one

Mary turns around when she hears a bang from the kitchen doorway. She smiles at her son, "well look who's up!"

Danny gives her a weak wave and half smile, heading straight for the coffee. "Is hot?"

"Yes, the coffee's hot." Should she bring up the suicide attempt? "How, um, how'd you sleep?"

Danny mumbles a sentence, half of it real words and half just gibberish. He takes a sip of the scalding coffee, not giving a damn that it burns his throat. 

"Linda took Jamie to school today. She also said she was going to pick something up from your house. She should be back any minute."

"Are you spinning the room?" He asks as he sits down at the island. 

"No." If Mary has any doubt her son is hungover, it's gone now. "I suggest you get some food in your stomach."

Before he can answer, or even think about food, Linda comes walking into the kitchen. "Hey," she smiles at Mary, then notices Danny's up. "Hey! You're up!"

He holds his hands over his ears at her inordinately loud voice. 

"And you're drunk!"

"Hung over." Danny corrects, sipping the coffee slowly. 

"Like that's a big difference!" She bites her tongue, remembering what Brie has told her. Sarcasm is bad, jests are bad, banter is bad. There are so many new rules! Much quieter and with a gentleness she didn't know she possessed, she asks, "Would you like some Tylenol?"

"Yes."

"I'm gonna make you breakfast too. Something easy on the stomach. Like eggs. Do you want them scrambled or sunny side up or what? Or I can make you whatever you want! Pancakes, waffles, crepés, hash-" Linda stops her ramble. She walks to the island and hands him the two pills. 

Danny looks at her as she almost stares at him with fierce determination. "You don't have to watch."

"Yes I do. Take them so I can work on breakfast." Satisfied that he's taken them, Linda asks her breakfast question once again. "Would you like eggs?"

"Scrambled?"

"Sure!" *Too enthusiastic, Linda! You have to be calm. Calm and compassionate and... firm? Understanding, definitely. And loving! And not at all selfish and-* 

The door bell rings, interrupting her thoughts. Without remembering that Danny's hung over, she says, "oh, honey, can you get that?"

"'Kay," Danny stands and slowly walks to the door. Once there, he slaps his hand on the wood and drags it down till he feels the doorknob. He cracks the door open enough for him to see out. 

"I'm sorry to drop by so early," Brie says, standing on the cool stoop. 

He thinks he gives her a smile as he beckons her to come in. Stepping aside, he lets her into the house. 

"What happened to you?" She asks loudly as she takes in the sight of him. 

"Long story," he manages around a yawn. He gestures for her to follow him to the kitchen. 

"This is a very nice house. A little too masculine," Brie muses as she steps into the bright kitchen. 

"They out number us," Linda puts and shrugs, setting the plate of scrambled eggs in front of Danny. "Sorry you have to-"

"Don't apologize. You two are my friends; of course I'm going to come to the house if you need me to. Can I sit?"

"Yeah, go ahead." She puts the pan in the sink, filling it with soapy water. 

"We're gonna take this session slow," the psychologist opens her notepad, watching Danny slowly chew the eggs. "First, I wanna know how you're doing. Aside from the fact of being hung over. How do you feel about being here, about why you're here?"

"My brain isn't exactly functioning at higher levels right now, Doc." Danny says, his voice filled with sleep. "So far it's pretty much drinking-bad, Linda-pretty."

Linda smiles from her spot near the counter and walks over to peck his cheek. "Thank you, honey. I'll just let you two converse."

Danny grabs her hand as she turns to leave. "No, stay! Will you, please?"

"Of course!" She takes a seat next to him, letting him continue to hold her hand. 

Brie waits until the eggs are finished, and the coffee's gone. "First thing's first- when you're on the new pill for anxiety, you can't drink coffee."

"F***," is Danny's only response to that. 

"Well, you can have decaf, but not real coffee."

"I'll get some later today," Linda nods. "It won't be so bad, honey. It'll still taste like coffee."

"I guess." He agrees glumly. 

"And you already know about taking them and letting someone watch," Brie continues. "I would also suggest you lay off the booze. You can become an alcoholic quicker than you think. It starts with one drink here, one drink there, and suddenly, you're a boozehound and ruining your relationships."

"No coffee, no booze. Great, what else is next?"

"Side effects. You may not even have any, or you may have a common one like loss of appetite or nausea. It all depends on the person. If you want, we can go over the pills some more, or you can just ask your doctor if anything arises. And sometimes, they don't happen right away, so you'll have to look out."

Danny nods along, pretending he's listening. He feels pathetic, and wishes they would've just let him die. Linda was the one who found him, who saved him- technically, so is she being selfish? He furrows his brow at that; Linda isn't selfish, so why would saving him be a selfish act? Wouldn't it be heroic? But he didn't want to be saved, and Linda says she's going to do everything in the world to keep him... and that's selfish, wanting him all for herself. But is it? She loves him- that he's sure of- and it isn't incorrect or morally wrong of her to want the best for him. He'd have to wrestle with that one.

"You understand?" Brie brings him from his thoughts. 

"Yes," Danny lies. "I understand."

"Good. And like I said, if the pill is causing nausea or headaches or anything like that, just ring up your doctor. She'll be able to help."

"It's a he," Linda points out, "but regardless of gender, we'll call if things go awry."

"Have you written anything in your notebook?"

"Yeah." Danny answers simply. 

"Can I see it?"

"It's upstairs." 

"I'll go get it," Linda offers and peels herself from his grasp.

"What did you write?"

"I wrote about Jack and Dad, and about Linda... I feel like I'm failing her." He looks down to the table. 

"How come?" When he doesn't answer, Brie presses further. "Danny, how come?" She's figured out he finds some sort of comfort in being addressed, particularly by his wife. 

"Because I'm supposed to protect her, and I haven't. I'm supposed to provide for her, and I can't. Im supposed to be brave, and I've been coward. I'm supposed to be this... colossal.. thing in her eyes, and I'm not."

"Those seem like a lot of old, antiquated societal norms, Danny. You're the man, and man provides. Women can provide, too, and protect and be brave and be this colossus thing you talk about. Welcome to the nineties." 

"It doesn't matter what decade we're in, it's still supposed to be that way!"

"What way? Misogynistic?" Brie raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms. 

"No! I'm supposed to be there for her, in all scenarios, and because I'm so f***ed in the head, I can't!" 

"I'm supposed to be there for you, too," Linda says quietly from the other side of the kitchen. She's holding his notebook, "honey, you don't have to do all those things 100 percent perfectly. You're doing your very best, and— okay, yeah, you've hit a slump, but, honey-" she moves to sit down next to him. Holding his hand, she continues, "that's where I come in. I'm your support system, your cheerleader, your... life line! I'm here for you. I'm going to listen to your troubles and your worries, and I'm not going to call you stupid or inadequate or weak. I honestly thing suicide survivors are some of the strongest people out there! Because they reach the lowest of low places, and climb back up to the top. And the climb up top is gonna be messy, and it's gonna be tough, and hell- you might even fall down the cliff again! But I swear I'm gonna be there for you, Danny. I'm gonna be that person who's up top, holding the rope steady- Whaddaya call them?"

"Leads?" Brie guesses softly, not wanting to interrupt. 

"Yes, leads! I'm gonna be the lead! And I'm not gonna stop being the lead. Because, whether you like it or not, I'm gonna stick with you. I'm gonna be there with you, and I'm gonna be so encouraging, you'll say 'Linda, butt out'. But I won't! Because I love you, Danny. I really love you, and I'm not about to let you get caught in a landslide." 

Danny sees sincerity, genuine love and devotion in her blue eyes. He also notes that they're filled with unshed tears. Bringing her into a hug, he says, "I love you more."

"I love you the most."


	23. Forgiveness Is The Nice Thing To Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that you’ve all been waiting for.... Frank finally gets his head outta his ass

"G'night, Danny. I was proud of you today for opening up to Brie. That's got to be tough." Linda kisses him sweetly, propping herself up on one elbow. She's going to snuggle into the covers, rest her head on his shoulder, but he wants more of the kiss. He presses her into the pillows and mattress as he deepens the kiss, swinging a leg over her own, trapping her beneath him. 

Danny moves her arms above her head and holds her wrists. He pauses for a few moments, long enough to let Linda tell him if it's uncomfortable. "You tell me when it's too much."

She nods and captures his lips with another kiss. They kiss heavily for a few minutes before his lips travel down her neck. His hand snakes up her shirt, and starts massaging her breast, bringing soft moans from her lips. 

"I need you," Danny's voice is muffled against Linda's neck. He continues kissing her, lower with each sentence, as he talks. "Linda, I need your help. I can't do this whole thing without you."

She removes her hands from his loose grip to cup his face. She lifts his head so he can look at her. "You won't have to. I'll be here all the way, for whatever you need. I swear I will."

Linda's lips capture his in a searing kiss, conveying all the love she has for him. "I'll do anything for you."

**************

Linda's cleaning up lunch as she plans her week in her head. She, Mary, and Danny all agree that the holidays should not be canceled. She's just figured out when and where to get Erin's presents when she hears a voice behind her that makes her slow her motions. 

"Can we talk?" Frank asks, keeping still in his spot. 

"Yeah." She answers shortly, continuing to clean the mess Nicky had made on the table. 

"Are you mad at me?"

"Mad?" She asks sarcastically, almost growling under her breath. "I'm not mad! Why should I be mad?" She turns around, wanting to look him dead in the eyes. "Am I mad because I had to listen to Danny retell the story of how you called him psychotic? Because I had to listen to him curse you continuously? Or maybe it's because he thinks you don't love him anymore, and are basically kicking him off the family tree with no rhyme or reason? Or maybe it's because I had to hold him as he cried himself to sleep that night, because his father doesn't give a flying f*** about his suicidal son!" Lowering her voice and swiping her hair from her face, she adds, "but, no, I'm- I'm not mad at that."

"Linda, I owe you an apology-"

"Not me. Him." She points in the vague direction where Danny's keeping to himself. "I might be beyond pissed at you, Frank, but Danny believes he doesn't have a father anymore. I'll get over being pissed. But he won't get over you not caring about him." Looking down,she quietly adds, "No one gets over their father not loving them anymore."

"I'll talk to him. Where is he?"

"In his room." 

Frank nods and walks up the stairs to his son's old room. Many a father-son talk has been given in the room with the faded blue walls. He sees Danny sitting cross legged on the bed, with a notebook and pencil in hand, staring off into space. "Knock knock."

He looks up, an unreadable expression on his face when he sees his father. He hardly acknowledges Frank's standing there, and goes back to the notebook.

"What're you working on?" Frank takes a few steps into the room. 

"Brie's making me write a list of three things that are good in my life. She says I can't use family."

"What do you have so far?"

"Linda and Mom. Which is why I'm still on number one."

"You've got a nice house," Frank suggests, dancing around why he's really in that room. 

"That's true, I guess. It is a nice house."

"A little small for children though."

"Dad," Danny sighs, rolling his eyes. "You know we're trying."

"I know, I know... can I sit?"

He shrugs and swings his legs over the side of the bed. "I have a feeling you didn't come here to remind me we have yet to produce you a grandchild."

Frank chuckles as he sits down. "Can you explain something to me? Something that I don't understand."

"I can try."

"How does... how does suicide work?"

"How does it work?" Danny looks at Frank, but not in the eye. "I'm fairly certain it's self explanatory."

"No, no. I mean- when I came back from the war, it was a different time. It wasn't... okay.. to feel like you're feeling. We had to just move on."

"That's how I got here," he mumbles, bringing his heels to rest on the edge of the bed. "I pushed everything down and let it fester until it exploded."

"Your thoughts caught up to you then?"

"I guess so. I mean, if you think about it, when I came home, the first thing that happened was the academy, then Gramma died. And then there was this little party called a wedding."

Frank chuckles along with his son. This whole apology build up is a lot easier than he initially thought. 

"I don't know, Dad. Everything's kinda... numb. I have no idea what to think or what I should even know anymore."

"Know what I know?"

"What?"

"I know that my son is not a quitter, he's a fighter. No matter how many times something may knock him down, he'll just get up, dust himself off, and face it head on. And I know that my son, the fighter... has a father who is deeply sorry and is willing to learn and understand in order to do anything to help his son." Frank puts a hand on Danny's shoulder, then brings him into a hug. He doesn't say anything as Danny starts to cry again; he just holds his son till he's ready to talk again. 

"I'm sorry I was such an ass," Frank apologizes once Danny's tears have stopped. "I've been told I can get.. testy when I don't understand something, or things don't go the way I planned."

Danny chuckles, "sounds like Mom."

"And your wife."

"My wife? Huh," he nods, smiling a little. "Isn't it funny? I'm always surprised when she gets pissed and calls someone out on their bullshit-"

"Because she's a sweet little thing with a level head."

"Exactly! It's like where does she store all that anger?"

Frank laughs as he claps Danny on the shoulder again. "I'll leave you to that list. But I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks, Dad." When Frank reaches the closed door, Danny says, "you can tell Linda she can come in now."


	24. A Little Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small time jump to some time in February. Maybe later January. 
> 
> Quick headcanon: Joe had a crush on Linda, to which most people are oblivious. I’m trying to bring him in a little more but I dunno. Anyways, here’s a Linda messy chapter
> 
> Oh, and one more thing. It’s been mentioned in a few other stories, but I think this is the first time it’s mentioned here. Joe comes round every Thursday to play board games with his brother. Jamie joins when there’s not to much homework. Okay, now onto the chapter, for real this time

Christmas and New Year's pass quietly, with Danny trying his hardest to have a good time. Now that Frank is helping him, he feels better, but something in his gut tells him that won't last. On January third, Danny and Linda celebrate the anniversary of their engagement by going out to a nice restaurant and spending the night at a fancy hotel. It isn't until mid-January or thereabouts, that things start going wrong. 

"Hey," Joe gives his Mom a kiss on the cheek. "How's everyone holding up? Linda says Danny's been feeling a little sick?"

"She, too. Although, I think her sickness ties in with hormones-"

"She's pregnant?" Joe interrupts, raising his eyebrows. 

"No. But she usually has a bout with nausea during that time."

"Linda says she thinks the pills are causing Danny's nausea. She says he's dizzy, too, and he's having insomnia."

"Joe, if you knew, why did you ask?" Mary turns from the counter. 

"Oh, I was just being polite." Joe dismisses the slight complaint. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Joe. A little sore, but it's nothing I can't power through." She has been feeling sore and tired lately, and no one can figure out why. 

"Dad should treat you to at home spa days, like Danny does Linda."

"You talk about a wide expanse of things while playing those board games, don't you?"

"Uh huh. Where's Danny now?"

"He and Linda are taking a nap. They've been sleeping for quite a while now- maybe you should wake them."

"Yeah, okay."

He starts to leave when Mary calls him back. "Oh, and Joe, knock first, okay? I think one of the side effects has to be a high sex drive."

Hearing his Mom say those words makes him cringe, but he agrees, "I'll knock." He takes the stairs two at a time and knocks on his brother's door. When there's no answer, he pushes the door open, and surveys the room. 

The clothes on the floor tell him they were taking more than a nap. Joe's cheeks heat up when he sees the comforter resting at Linda's stomach. He gets a full view of her naked chest, and before he can even think about closing the door and looking away, Danny pulls the blankets up around Linda. It's as if he knew there are other eyes looking at his wife. She snuggles closer against him, and Joe closes the door. 

He knocks until he hears his brother's annoyed "what?" coming from behind the door. "Mom says you should probably get up."

"Okay, we will." Linda's voice says. 

Joe walks back down the stairs, trying not to think about what he just saw. 

**********

Frank sighs as he walks up the stairs that night after a long day at work. He has a headache and an aching back. He jumps a little when he hears a half scream-half giggle from his oldest son's room. When it is abruptly cut off, he guesses what's happening behind the door. 

Mary smiles up from her book when Frank walks through the bedroom door. "Hi, honey." 

"Hey. You seem better." He kisses her lips sweetly. 

"I went shopping with Erin and Linda today. We grabbed a coffee and a nice lunch."

"What did the boys do?"

"Joe picked up Jamie from school, and they swung by the house to get Danny. I think they went to the last half of a basketball game in the park or something."

"Sounds like everyone had a good day."

"Yup. But you sound like you've had a bad day."

"It was just stressful. The guys wouldn't listen to me." Frank talks from the bathroom. "Speaking of good times though, sounds like Danny and Linda are having some."

Mary laughs, "you sound disgusted!"

"Well.... it seems like that's all they do!" He slips into bed next to his wife. 

"It's his catharsis, Frank."

"Really?"

"Yup. It's all here in this book," she holds up the book she's reading, patting the cover. "Drugs, alcohol, music, and psychodrama are among many other catharsises.... catharsees. Well, you know what I mean."

Frank peers at the now open book, "he must have a lot of negative emotions to get out. That, Or his pills make him horny."

Mary laughs again, marking her book. "I just know that it makes him feel better." She puts her book on the nightstand. "And I'm not gonna argue with it. He may use sex to double as a catharsis, but not everyone does." She gives Frank a sexy smile, and turned off the light. 

He laughs and follows her beneath the covers. 

*********

"I've been thinkin'," Brie says as she eats the fresh cinnamon muffin Mary had made. "I think it'll be alright if you move back to your house."

"Really?" Danny sounds excited at this. He loves his parents and his siblings, but he's forgotten there is absolutely no privacy in that house. He longs for his own house, just him and Linda, where he can be alone without someone asking him to be with people. 

"Yes. I talked to your Mom, and to Linda. They said that aside from some side effects of the pills, you've been doing better. But, before I release you back to the world, I have to ask a question." She pauses, leaning in to the table. When he follows suit, she whispers, "are you still thinking about killing yourself?"

That's a loaded question. If he says yes, he'll be stuck at the looney bin forever. But if he says no, he can go back home, and find some semblance of normalcy. So, carefully, he tells her a half truth. "I'm not suicidal. Not anymore. I don't think about killing myself."

Brie nods, straightening up, "then I think you can go back home. And I think you can drive to the office now. I trust that you can."

Danny nods, feeling a weird sense of dread in his stomach. He's not suicidal, he knows he isn't. He hasn't thought about killing himself since he tried to kill himself. That doesn't mean he's not thinking that he should've died in Fallujah, though.


	25. Look What You Did!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was only supposed to be about 500 words; it was going to be a short surprise chapter that couldn’t be attached to the ones that are in draft form or the ones yet to be written. But it seems like the muse had different ideas, and the idea took off running. 
> 
> I hope you’ll enjoy this bonus chapter!

Danny doesn't mean for any of the evening to go that way. He doesn't mean to hurt Linda and make her cry. Why is he making her cry so much? He's the monster now- hurting someone that sweet and lovely. 

It starts as a normal Sunday evening, the family gathered in the living room discussing Jamie's big science paper. 

"Are you finding any interesting information?" Linda asks as she leans forward, placing her wine glass on the coffee table. 

Jamie nods, "I never knew that sleep apnea was caused by your throat collapsing."

"It's pretty scary. Oh!" Linda exclaims, suddenly remembering something. "I did a paper on sleep apnea in high school, too. You can take a look at it if I still have it."

"Thanks, Linda! I'm sure that'll help a lot. You're s-"

"Ow!" She holds her left ear, and everyone goes quiet. 

"Sorry! Linda, I'm-" Danny stumbles over his words, watching her now her head. "I was trying to push your hair back. I wasn't..." 

"Look what you did!" Erin holds a hand to Linda, "she's crying!"

"She's not crying," Frank argues, then pauses to hear some small sniffles. 

"Yes she is! Danny, you made her cry!"

Danny feels sick as he watches Linda rub her eyes, knowing she's trying not to cry too much. He has made her cry... "honey..."

Linda sees Danny's hands coming towards her face, so she quickly puts her hands over her ears to block him, whacking him away. If he didn't feel like the biggest louse before.... 

Danny feels like he wants to cry. His wife doesn't want him next to her, doesn't want him touching her. All he has wanted to do is push her hair back so he could see her smile! That's not too much to ask, is it? He's about to get up and probably do something he'll regret very quickly when Linda speaks. 

"I think," she takes a moment to swallow. "I think it surprised me more than hurt me." It actually still really hurts, but she doesn't want her husband to think he's done something terrible. She takes his hand to try to prove a silent point. "I'm okay, babe, really."

He smiles, and he knows she can tell It's forced and faked. He doesn't care if she's okay, he hurt her. Again. 

"I, um, I think we better get going."

Everyone murmurs in agreement, and the young couple says goodbye. Their car ride home is awkward, filled with the radio and Linda's occasional sniffles.

At home, it's even more awkward as they get ready for bed. Linda volunteers to check the locks, thinking Danny might need a second alone. She takes a little longer, processing what she's going to say to him. It really did hurt- his finger jammed into her ear! She can't tell him how much it hurt, though, because he's already so scared of doing lasting damage, and he's been doing so well recently. 

When she gets to the bedroom, she slips into her pink nightgown- the one with the buttons that won't stay closed. She slips in bed behind Danny, who's facing away from her. She doesn't cuddle him, not just yet, and chews her lip. "Danny?"

He doesn't say anything, just continues to stare at the wall. 

"Danny, I know you're awake... baby, can we talk?" She pauses to let him speak, but also to smirk at her unintentional New Kids' song reference. "Danny, look at me."

Danny shifts to his back, turns his head to look at her. He doesn't trust himself to speak; as soon as he opens his mouth, he'll start to cry. 

"You surprised me more than hurt me. Believe me, you did. Tears were just the automatic response, because I jammed my head into your finger, and whenever your head gets jammed, tears immediately come." 

That sounds like bullshit to her, too, but why else would she cry like that?

"Really, Danny, it just triggered the tear ducts, like getting punched in the nose does." That, and she's probably hormonal- she knows she's due for her torture in a week. 

He makes a funny sound in his throat, which tells Linda that he's crying. 

"Don't cry, honey." She scoots close to him, hugging him tightly. "I'm okay, Danny. I'm okay." She presses soft kisses to his chest, the fabric barrier preventing skin to skin contact. She holds him for a few minutes before he abruptly sits up. 

"Danny?"

Danny shucks his singlet off his body, tossing it to the floor. He's hot and if he wants to hold his wife, he needs less clothes. He doesn't really register himself when he's popping the crappy buttons to Linda's nightgown, then tossing it to the floor. He lays back down on the mattress, bringing her to him. 

She's surprised when he starts kissing her, roughly, and then rolls on top of her. She swings her leg over his hip, bringing him impossibly closer. He's still crying, she can taste the tears on her own lips; she won't deny him whatever makes him feel better. Unless she's in pain or very mad at him, she won't turn down sex with him either. 

Danny's lips move to her neck, sucking and nipping, while his hand pinches a pert nipple. She arches into his touch, and he mumbles into her skin, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Danny," Linda unintentionally moans, getting distracted by his fingers on her breast and his lips on her collarbone. "Honey." She takes his head in her hands, look him in the eye. "I. Am. Okay. It doesn't hurt anymore, and I'm very sure I only cried because I'm PMSing. Stupid hormones."

Danny pushes her bangs from her eyes, "you're sure?"

"Yes, honey, I'm very sure. And before you say anything, I wanna tell you it was an accident. I was moving my head the same time you were moving your hand. You don't get upset when we both go for a kiss, and end up bonking foreheads like two inexperienced teenagers, do you?"

He shakes his head, "no."

"No. Right. Don't be upset about a little poke-- I'm not. In a few weeks, we'll be teasing each other about it. Okay?"

"Okay."

"You're not upset anymore?"

"I'm not upset anymore." He sounds like he really means it, instead of just saying it to make her happy.

"Good. Now you better finish what you started, Mister! It's rude to leave a girl hanging like that."


End file.
